Author Topic: Query Letters You'd Never ...  (Read 57331 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

sh

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #210 on: March 24, 2008, 03:03 PM »
TO Whom it May Concern:

Please find enclosed several napkins on which I've written the basic outline of a gripping, multi-generational novella. (Please pardon the ketchup stains)
 I think you'll agree that with a little work this is potentially a major best seller and possible motion picture.  I've never written anything before, so I'm not sure what the procedure is, but I would be willing to pay you 10% of all my future royalties if you agree to represent me and help me to complete this work. I do have several other agents who have expressed an interest, so please respond quickly as I would like to have this work published sometime within the next few months. 
 
« Last Edit: March 24, 2008, 03:11 PM by sh »

Christine Eldin

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #211 on: April 04, 2008, 07:32 AM »
HAHAHAA!  These are hilarious! Loved Musselbound's!!  :dr


Dear Agent,

You will immediately notice my ABC picture book differs from what's currently on the market.

With my book and a parent's gentle guidance, the child will glide through curse words as if they're already an eighth grader. Letters "Q" and "X" are left blank  for the child to create his or her own unique curse word, thereby encouraging creativity and freedom of expression.

My book, "How to Cuss and Not Make a Fuss" is complete at 24 words. Well under today's trend of 500 words. It's also available in Spanish.

Thank you  for your consideration.

Offline FutureDoctor

  • Counting down until May 16, 2020!
  • Member.
  • Poster Plus
  • *
  • Posts: 114
  • Former writer turned baby catcher!
    • My Website
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #212 on: May 11, 2008, 01:29 PM »
Hey, Faye,

I am seeking representation for my book.  I'm not quite sure of the word count because I havent written it yet, but I know you'll love it because everyone loves the court files and newspaper articles that I write.
I am a criminal defense attorney and I want to write a picture book about a murder trial that I just finished working on.  The case was about as gruesome as they come and I think parents will like reading about it to their kids so they learn what the real world is like.  I know that this query letter is short, but I am very busy (I have a new puppy, you see, and I have to take him out, like, every two minutes) and wanted to send you a message before you left for the weekend.  You can call me, but I'd rather talk to you in person about this.  I'll call you tomorrow on your cell (411 is a great tool) and set up an appointment.

I can't wait to see my book published.

Sincerely,
An Author
« Last Edit: May 11, 2008, 07:15 PM by FutureDoctor »
PM me anytime!
www.alliesakowicz.com

Chase

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #213 on: May 23, 2008, 07:06 PM »
Dear Mrs. Lester...no wait that was the previous editor (really you all change jobs so frequently--is your turn over rate really this high?) anyway, Dear Ms. Fay (without the "e" is the better spelling really) Keditor,

I have a most spectacular book that you have ever in your whole lifetime read. I'm sure nothing like this has crossed your desk for your whole career!  Irregardless, I have sent this to five other publishing houses and got rejection letters (those idiots haven't a clue what is good literature and what isn't!) Anyway, I thought I would throw you a scrap since I've noticed your sales are WAY down.  This book is just the thing to get your publishing company back in the black.

Little Erma walks to school one morning and is suddenly sucked into a worm hole that shoots her into the 31st century.  The world is crazy and unlike her normal world she was sucked out of.  Erma has to learn how to talk like the people in this new century, dress like them, and fit in with their manners.  It is really an educational adventure in manners and being polite as Erma storms through struggles to teach the Galacteea people what manners really are.  And, well the plot gets a little sticky in the middle (that was the hardest part to write, you know!) but the climax really hits home and is a home run with everyone I read it to.  Basically Erma ends up teaching the people manners just as she is sucked back into the 21st century as if no time has passed.  Erma learns how important manners are.

I have been writing children's stories for ten years now.  I have over 100 stories, but I just can't seem to find the right person to publish them.  The life of a writer is hard, but now that I've found your publishing company, I just know we will make a great team.  It's all about team work after all!  So, I am giving you my telephone number, actually my cell number because it is the best one to get hold of me at.  Forget about sending anything through the mail, I mean really who uses snail mail anymore! Right. So just call me when you have decided on a price you want to offer for my story.  Then we can talk about all the other ones.  Because really, once you start publishing my stories, everyone will want the next one and the next one and so on.

Talk to you soon!

P.S I have been tossing around pen names and have it narrowed down to three: Wanda MCnicky,  Lillian Drasda, or Summer Night Star  (let me know which you think I should use.)

Thanks!
999-999-9999 (Cell phone)

ivariaa

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #214 on: May 23, 2008, 09:49 PM »
Hey Faye:

It's me Persis T. Antt.  I know it has been a while  :wait since I left a copy of my MS in your car.  What did you think would happen when you brought all those charges against me in court (harrassment, vandalism) just becuz I followed you around for a few months  :trenchguy and broke into your car a few times.   :ahh I see you are feeling comfortable since they sent me up river  :jail .  I like the new Porsche but the locks could be better.  I tried to mail my MS  :writing to you but I suppose when the jailers finished going over the thing with their markers  :writing3 there wasn't much left to read.  So I don't blame you for not responding. 

Anyway I made several new friends  :guns while I was in the big house  :jail and they feel really indebted to me  :grouphug2 for reading to them while we were ... you know (  :jail ).  My friends want me to be happy so don't keep me waiting  :getmail .  Oh the MS has not changed since the one left 9/06/04 at 3:50PM.

Make it quick Faye, babe, and include lots of  :dollar in your acceptance letter or else.
Later, Wordy Wonder (as my posse calls me)  :mob

Sgraffito

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #215 on: June 13, 2008, 12:43 AM »
Dear Agent,

My name is Carol Hill and I've never written a queery letter before.  My book is about kings, elves, dragons and dwarves that live on another planet.  My friends say:  "It'a better than the Harry Potter books."

I am about halfway done and I thought I'd better check with you to see if I should finish it.  Would you look at what I've got so far?

Thanks for your time.  I know you are busy.  That's why I thought you should take a look right now to see if it's good enough -- that way neither one of us wastes our time.

Best wishes,

Carol


Offline sl_verant

  • Member.
  • Poster Plus
  • *
  • Posts: 112
  • Tiger baby, grrr...
    • Samantha Verant's Blog
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #216 on: July 24, 2008, 02:20 PM »
Dear Kay Predator,

How are you doing today? If you are having a bad day you are going to be really happy when you read my letter because you are going to want to buy my book.

My cats, all my friends, and a bunch of kids on my bus say that I’m going to be just like that lady from England who writes those books about that wizard kid that goes to that special school even though his parents are dead.

My story is about a girl wizard. Her parents have died and she goes to this special school and her name is Mary Porter. She’s got a special vulture that helps her do magic and she has magical stick. She has a bunch of friends and some enemies and there are a lot of really weird characters. The name of the school she goes to is Warthogs. Have you ever met a warthog? They live in my backyard. Do you have a cat? I have twenty. My favorite ones name is Puffy Lumpkins. He is an orange tabby. He is also one of the major characters in the book but he isn’t really a cat he’s the head witch who is a lady even though he’s a boy.

My book MARY PORTER AND THE SORCERER’S ROCK isn’t finished yet but I know everything that is going to happen. See, it’s all in my head. When you have a free minute, I’ll call you and read you the first chapter and tell you everything that is going to happen.

Let me know when I will be receiving my advance. I was thinking about 100,000 dollars in United States dollar bills if that is okay with you. I don’t like banks they are all bad and they take your money.

I sent you some brownies and cookies along with this letter. And I hope you like the glitter. It is from the girl wizards magic stick.

I will call you in a few days from the pay phone just down the road.

Thank you very, very, very, much. I can’t wait to meet you in person. I may drive up to the city next week if I don’t hear from you before then.

Enjoy the brownies.

Sally Stalker

p.s. The picture I sent of the person in the bikini is me. Guess who people think I look like? See, I have the celebrity thing going. Though I probably should lose a few pounds and get my upper lip waxed and my chin waxed. But I'll do that when I you send me my cash. Thanks.

« Last Edit: July 24, 2008, 02:38 PM by slhastings »
-----
Call me Samantha or Sam...

KING OF THE MUTANTS- Debut Middle Grade, Month9Books, 2015

Offline sl_verant

  • Member.
  • Poster Plus
  • *
  • Posts: 112
  • Tiger baby, grrr...
    • Samantha Verant's Blog
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #217 on: July 24, 2008, 04:35 PM »
And the follow up letter:

Dear Kay-le-kay,

I've been waiting by the payphone and the mailbox for two days and I haven't heard from you yet so I'm making my way out to New York City to come by your office to pick up my money and so that we can discuss the details of my story about the girl wizard MARY PORTER AND THE SORCERER'S ROCK. By the time this letter gets to you I may be outside your door.

I also decided that I don't want 100,000 dollars because the euro is worth more so that is what I'd like instead.

Oh. By the way, if you have eaten any of those oatmeal raisin cookies I sent I thought I should tell you that Mr. Puffy Lumpkins might have had an accident in the batter so if it doesn't look like a raisin I wouldn't eat it. But most of them should be fine.

Do you have a spare bedroom? If you don't the couch would be fine.

I can't wait to read you my story in person. I have just finished the third chapter and I've written 40,000 words.  They are really good words too. Some of them I don't even know the definition for and some I made up like bonketookaleekalala. That means help in wizard. There are tons of them like that and you won't need a special dictionary to understand them you'll just know and so will everybody else.

See you soon.

Sally Stalker

p.s. The Flesch-Kincaid readability level is 12.0 so I know it will win all sorts of awards.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2008, 11:33 AM by slhastings »
-----
Call me Samantha or Sam...

KING OF THE MUTANTS- Debut Middle Grade, Month9Books, 2015

Offline Sully

  • Member
  • Poster Plus
  • *
  • Posts: 1,346
    • My art on Etsy
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #218 on: July 24, 2008, 05:09 PM »
Dear Agent, Editor, Or Anyone In Publishings Third Cousin,

Okay, here we go... (again)
I've got a story,
you have the cash and that giant [word censored]' printing machine,
let's get together and make sweet publishing music/mula together. Okay?

Sincerely,

Bahd Attitood
I prefer the folly of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom.             Anatole France

Offline sl_verant

  • Member.
  • Poster Plus
  • *
  • Posts: 112
  • Tiger baby, grrr...
    • Samantha Verant's Blog
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #219 on: August 01, 2008, 07:57 AM »

For more pitches, some good, some creepy, and some downright hilarious, check out Editorial Anonymous' blog at http://editorialanonymous.blogspot.com Click on the PITCH CONTEST label so you're able to read all of them.


« Last Edit: August 03, 2008, 08:26 PM by slhastings »
-----
Call me Samantha or Sam...

KING OF THE MUTANTS- Debut Middle Grade, Month9Books, 2015

justJoan

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #220 on: August 05, 2008, 01:27 PM »
I love to pull up this thread and have a good laugh.


Dear editor person or persons or whoever in the editing group would happen to be reading this.

I have this totally awesomely fabulous picture book that I wrote in about fifteen minutes yesterday. I read it over a couple of times and I know it will be a totally big huge hit once you publish it for me. I had my five year old son do some illustrations for it and I'm including them with the 10,000 word manuscript. Some of it rhymes in a few places so you can be sure to absolutly market it as a rhyming picturebook. I think that would be best and since i'm the author, I always know what's best for my manuscript baby.

So let me know when you think you can have the awesomely fabulous book ready to go on the store shelves. And let me know now when you will want to schedule my book tours and school visits and stuff cause I have a crazily busy schedule and will need to make sure I can go on the days you want me too.

As for payment options, I think it's best if I get a $100,000 advance and then get all the royalties because since my kid did the illustrations, you don't have to pay another illustrator. My son will get to work on the cover illustration right away, but if he's too busy playing video games or watching TV or something, I'll have one of my other kids do it, so don't you worry about a thing for that!

I look forward to seeing my $100,000 check in the mail with the contract you will send.

Sincerely,

Ima Idiot

P.s. I'm serious about needing the dates for tours and signings and stuff right away so send that info with the contract too!

justJoan

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #221 on: August 05, 2008, 02:09 PM »
And after some inspiration from my teenager (sorry if someone already posted a text query . . . been a while since I read trough these):

HRU?

OMG I hav a b%k 4 u! ne1 w%d luv it. ppl LOL whn dey read it. its a gr8 YA wrttn in txtspk. Ttly hip n up 2 d8. btw itz abt a grl n her bff  n luv w/ d same guy but hez n lv w/ d othr grl. no u r luvn it alrdy! gtg txt l8tr w/ mor inf cus u r so h%kd now thx fr ur tym. l%k frwrd 2 biznz w/ u  ldl cuz im hngry u pay! txt me w/ d tym n plc n Ill brng d ms den cuz itz 2 lng 2 txt.

ttyl

Txtr Mctxty

Update: Translation (thought some might need it . . . I had to ask my teenager about some of the words).

How are you?

Oh my goodness I have a book for you! Anyone would love it. People laugh out loud when they read it. It's a great YA written in textspeak. Totally hip and up to date. By the way it's about a girl and her best friend forever in love with the same guy but he's in love with the other girl. Know you're loving it already! Got to go text later with more information because you are so hooked now. Thanks for your time. Look forward to business with you. Let's do lunch because I'm hungry. You pay! Text me with the time and place and I'll bring the manuscript then because it's too long to text.

Talk to you later

Texty McTexter
« Last Edit: August 05, 2008, 03:29 PM by justJoan »

Word

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #222 on: September 30, 2008, 03:10 PM »
Dear Publisher,

Okay, here's the deal.  I wrote this book.  It took a really long time.  But not as long as it's going take to hear back from you.  So, I'll save you the time okay?  The answer's "no" right?  Or is it, "So sorry, but this doesn't fit our current needs". 

Thank you so much for your timely response.  See.  We got it all done and you didn't even have to open the blasted letter with the self enclosed stamped envelope with postage that's now outdated. 

Best Wishes for continued success bla bla bla,

Word

starlight

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #223 on: October 01, 2008, 01:23 PM »
And after some inspiration from my teenager (sorry if someone already posted a text query . . . been a while since I read trough these):

HRU?

OMG I hav a b%k 4 u! ne1 w%d luv it. ppl LOL whn dey read it. its a gr8 YA wrttn in txtspk. Ttly hip n up 2 d8. btw itz abt a grl n her bff  n luv w/ d same guy but hez n lv w/ d othr grl. no u r luvn it alrdy! gtg txt l8tr w/ mor inf cus u r so h%kd now thx fr ur tym. l%k frwrd 2 biznz w/ u  ldl cuz im hngry u pay! txt me w/ d tym n plc n Ill brng d ms den cuz itz 2 lng 2 txt.

ttyl

Txtr Mctxty

Update: Translation (thought some might need it . . . I had to ask my teenager about some of the words).

How are you?

Oh my goodness I have a book for you! Anyone would love it. People laugh out loud when they read it. It's a great YA written in textspeak. Totally hip and up to date. By the way it's about a girl and her best friend forever in love with the same guy but he's in love with the other girl. Know you're loving it already! Got to go text later with more information because you are so hooked now. Thanks for your time. Look forward to business with you. Let's do lunch because I'm hungry. You pay! Text me with the time and place and I'll bring the manuscript then because it's too long to text.

Talk to you later

Texty McTexter

lol :dr that was original ! I really needed that translation

Jaina

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #224 on: October 01, 2008, 02:25 PM »
Dear Editur, heer iz mah query thing.




[attachment deleted by admin]

justJoan

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #225 on: October 05, 2008, 07:28 PM »
lol :dr that was original ! I really needed that translation

Thanks. It was fun to write . . . er I mean text.

Dear Editur, heer iz mah query thing.




 :lmao

Oh, that's great! Love the picture . . . I'd be afraid if I were an editor.  :dr

Jaina

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #226 on: October 10, 2008, 06:11 PM »
Thanks, Joan.  That's my wonderful cat.  And yes, everyone should be very, very afraid.

Tracy Vonder Brink

  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #227 on: October 16, 2008, 10:47 AM »
Dear Kay,

You know how they say the third time's the charm?  Here's my third book for you so you can get it right this time. (ha ha)  Remember how my first book was about Stevie the wizard kid?  You didn't buy that one quick enough, and another book became popular, so then I sent you Freddy the Farting Hamster.  You didn't buy that one either (how slow are you? ha ha), so now I have a new one for you.  It's called Dressy Bessie, and it's about a girl who wants to be fancy dressy all the time.  I really hope you can get it together enough to buy my book and get it out while it's hot.


Buy my book, already! (ha ha)

Ima Payne

Offline Larry

  • Member
  • Poster Plus
  • *
  • Posts: 682
  • They're growing up fast!
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #228 on: January 07, 2011, 02:56 PM »
Hey you,

I done sent you my queery letter almost a week ago and I ain't heard from you yet. What's your problem? Still hungover from New Years? Man, I am! Guess we have a lot in common. My fiction novel book is almost 35 pages if you count the title page (that's the one on the back of the Cheerios box with the drawing on it ---I don't need a illustrater). Plus the last page has got THE END in really big letters so everbody will know that the dang thing is over. Don't you hate it when people just want to keep on reading when the durn story is over? I do! But I done took care of that for you! Just as soon as you get my contract figgered out, call me or text me at 1-900-IAM-DUMB.

Toodles!
X