Author Topic: Query Letters You'd Never ...  (Read 56894 times)

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kateiam

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #30 on: October 23, 2003, 10:15 AM »
Dear Ms. Keditor,

I am thrilled to let your company have a sneak peek of the next Caldecott.  I am sure you will see the genius of my seet little girl, Cutye.  

She drew it all by her self, it is in crayon and lipstick (it smeared a bit when she folded it small enough to fit into the envelope but if you iron it on low most of the creases will come out)

Her preschool teacher said she is a genius, at least I think she said genius I was too busy getting sweet Cutye out of the hamster cage.  Maybe she said generous since Cutye always shares her pudding with the hampsters and fish.  We found a new school for her yesterday.

I also included my avon cataloge.  I love selling the fine lipstick that Cutye uses to decorate my house and the houses of all our closest nieghbors.  MAybe you could include your Avon order with her contract?

My seven year old wrote the words, and most of them rhyme..not all, but have you tried to rhyme orange?  But that is why we are getting you as our editor, you can rewrite all the bad parts whilel you are jotting down your avon order.

Sincerly,

Precious Mommy

PS "pumpkin orange is the color of the month in both lipstick and nailpolish, 2% off!!

I'll calll you friday.


Offline Barbara Etlin

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #31 on: October 23, 2003, 12:48 PM »
Cindy, several years ago a model named Paulina (can't remember her last name; she was originally from Czechoslovakia), did write a picture book about a cockroach! I have no idea whether it was any better or worse than the usual celeb PB because, for some strange reason, I didn't want to read it!   :cuccoan:
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Jaina

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #32 on: October 23, 2003, 12:59 PM »
It's not a picture book (and not written by a model), but I like Shoebag.  That's about a cockroach!

Cindy

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #33 on: October 23, 2003, 01:11 PM »
What?!  She stole my idea?  


Jen K.

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #34 on: October 23, 2003, 01:20 PM »
Isn't Crickwing about a cockroach?  By Janelle Cannon, who wrote Stellaluna?  BEAUTIFUL illustrations, if you can imagine it with that subject matter.   ;)

Offline KatherineR

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #35 on: October 29, 2003, 09:45 AM »
Oh my, I just found this thread!  So many good letters.  They ought to go in a book!
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Jaina

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #36 on: November 19, 2003, 10:00 AM »
Here's one I've felt like writing lately.  'Course I would NEVER, EVER!  ;)

Publisher X BFYR
3 Million Twelve Avenue of the Americas
New York, Where Else  100somethingsomething

Dear Publisher X:

I ususally come up with a fun way to introduce myself and my book here, but quite honestly, I'm burnt out on letter-writing.  I hope you don't mind if I skip it.  Likewise, I might bring up some connection we have, like I met you at a conference or something, but to be truthful, we have none.  I wouldn't know you if I hit you with the car.

Another thing I might mention is how I've enjoyed all the books Publisher X puts out, but . . . I haven't really read any.  I did look at pictures of the covers online, and they seem pretty good, though--not cheap-looking.  

I hope you'll enjoy reading the enclosed manuscript.  It's quite good.  Okay, "quite" might be pushing it, but it's really pretty good.  And I'm hoping you'll be able to see that and help me make it quite good.  Whaddaya say?

I'm a member of SCBWI and all that jazz.  I guess I should say I'm an associate member.  I don't think I checked off the "full member" box because I wasn't sure if being published in a magazine made you a "full member" or what.  And I've been meaning to ask SCBWI, now that I think about it!

Anyhow, enjoy my story!

Sincerely,

Me

Offline Anne Marie

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #37 on: November 19, 2003, 10:55 AM »
I like the burnt-out on letter writing part!

Anne Marie
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Jaina

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #38 on: November 19, 2003, 10:59 AM »
So you're saying the rest sucks potato salad?  Thanks a LOT, Anne Marie!  Now I'm all hurt!  And that was my GRANT letter, too!   ;)

Offline Anne Marie

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #39 on: November 19, 2003, 11:07 AM »
Okay, Miss Sensitive, I'll change my post to :

LOL, Jaina!  What a hoot!  I particularly liked the burnt-out on letter-writing part.

Better?

Love you,

AM
PIGLOO (Henry Holt, 2016)
VAMPIRINA BALLERINA HOSTS A SLEEPOVER (Disney-Hyperion, 2013)
VAMPIRINA BALLERINA (Disney-Hyperion, 2012)
among others

Jaina

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #40 on: November 19, 2003, 11:13 AM »
Great!  Can you cut and paste that every time I post something?  "I loved it.  It was better than 'Cats.'  I want to read it again and again."

Offline Anne Marie

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #41 on: November 19, 2003, 11:16 AM »
LOL, Jaina!  What a hoot!  I particularly liked the burnt-out on letter-writing part.

Anne Marie
PIGLOO (Henry Holt, 2016)
VAMPIRINA BALLERINA HOSTS A SLEEPOVER (Disney-Hyperion, 2013)
VAMPIRINA BALLERINA (Disney-Hyperion, 2012)
among others

Offline amyo

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #42 on: November 19, 2003, 11:19 AM »
LOL, Jaina!  What a hoot!  I particularly liked the burnt-out on letter-writing part.
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Offline Cana

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #43 on: November 19, 2003, 11:28 AM »
Mz. Keditor:
You are just perfect for my new book! I know you usually like just a chapter or two, but I knew once you started reading my book you wouldn't be able to stop. Just like potato chips! I didn't enclose a SASE cause it cost so much to send it to you, plus I knew you'd like it so much you wouldn't dream of returning it! You can just email me the contract and I'll accept pay-pal if that would be easier for you.

I spent hours reading up on all you editors. That's how come I know you're just the one.  It's a good thing it didn't take me that long to write my book, I would have never finished.  To save you some time, I have enclosed a list of other possible perfect editors.  If you don't mind, in the unlikely even that you pass on this marvelous opportunity, would you forward my book to the next editor on the list and cross off your name?  Please enclose this letter so they'll know what to do. Isn't this considerate of me?  I know how editors hate simultanious submissions.  But don't take too long.  Writers hate to wait.  I don't want to deny the public the pleasure of my book any longer than necessary.

Also, please initial the appropriate box.

_____ I loved your book, but we're out of money.
_____ I loved your book, can you send illustrations.
_____ I loved your book. Should be in the stores next month.
_____ I loved your book. I'm nominating it for the Newberry Medal.
_____ I didn't like your book, but it's been 3 years since I've had a book earn out it's advance. So what do I know anyway!

I look forward to working with you.  I've already talked to my children's teachers about reading my book to their classes and autographing a copy for the school. They just love my story!  I know you will too. Well, that's about it.  This has to all fit on one page.  I don't understand that though.  I thought editors liked to read.

Sincerely,

N. I. Eve
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.~Edison
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Jaina

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #44 on: November 19, 2003, 11:35 AM »
ROFL!  That was brilliant, Cana!  Chain submissions!  The only improvement I would suggest is that the editor should send the manuscript to 20 editors she knows, or she'll have bad luck.

--An editor in a small Boston publisher sent the manuscript out to 20 editors and the next day, she won the lottery!
--An editor at a Canadian publishers forgot to send the manuscript out.  The next day she was mauled by a  :moose .

And so on...

Dystar

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #45 on: November 19, 2003, 01:29 PM »
Ooh, brilliant! How about a query chain letter, with bad luck implied if they don't publish your story.

 :n   I like it.


Jaina

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #46 on: February 05, 2004, 12:59 PM »
I just wanted to bring this ol' thread up to the top of the line.  I was just looking at it again and it still makes me laugh!  :dr

Maybe some of the newer board members will get a kick out of it (or even add a letter of their own?).

Kimberly

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #47 on: February 06, 2004, 09:40 AM »
If you've seen the American Pie movies, you might get a kick out of this.

Dear Faye,

And so, I have this story about an alien who visits us from Planet Band Camp. And then, he tells us a million stories about Band Camp and all the wild things they do on Band Camp. And then, he tells about all the weirdo tourists that visit Band Camp. And then, he tells us about the slutty flute player and geeky trombone player that met on Band Camp. And then, the flute player and the trombone player got married. And then, everyone lived happily ever after on Band Camp. And so, I hope you're interested in my story about Band Camp.

And so, all the best,
Slutty Flute Player  

Kimberly

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #48 on: February 06, 2004, 11:16 AM »
P.S. I would never write a story like this or a query like that. I just like that movie, and I'm in a goofy mood :yup

Emily

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #49 on: February 06, 2004, 03:09 PM »
Any editor,

Hi, My name is Emily, I wanted to write you a little note about something.  I wrote a children's story, I'm not really sure about terminology, but i'm saying it would be good for 3-11 year olds.  It really has broad appeal, I think that everyone will like it, inlcuding moms and dads.  The people in my neighborhood all told me it was a real winner...I'm letting you have the first look because you are the biggest publishing company that I could find.  It's about a boy and his little dog, and they do some really funny things together, things that everyone likes to hear about.  His dog even rescues him from a sewer drain at one point...I'm trying to entertain and teach!  (Did you know that over 20 children are seriously injured in US sewer drains each year?)
I have never written anything before, well I write a really funny Christmas Form letter each year, I think that's what first prompted me to try writing.  I am starting out with writing for kids because it's the easiest way to get published, I will move on to my serious true crime novels in a year or so.  Maybe you would like to have a peek?  I write in rhyme.  All children love rhyme, and I know that it's the easiest way to teach, preach and tell a fun story all at the same time.

EXCERPT FROM :  THE BOY, THE DOG, AND THE SEWER


..Now that little boy was a very naughty child,
He was always running around and acting wild,
And even though it's not safe to play by the sewer drain,
He jumped up and down on it, over and over again.  

(note to editor, in this instance I would want the reader to pronounce 'again' like this "AGANE"  this way it will rhyme with drain.)

He fell right in with a splash plish sploop
and was covered in ecol-i and lots and lots of poop
See a sewer drain is where all the toilet water goes,
and that naughty little boy had lots of sewer water splashing in his nose.......

After that the little boy has some scary things happen to him, while his little dog alerts rescue personnel.

You can call me next week if you want, I will send you the rest of it when I get a contract offer...I don't want to make you worried or anything, but I might try and start a bidding war...I don't just give my stories away.  

Anyway, I'll talk to you later, remember to spread the word about the dangers of sewer drains,

Best,
Emily

doda

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #50 on: February 07, 2004, 10:38 AM »
EEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUgh! Emily

Hope you got that one out of your cistern!

Offline AlmaFullerton

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #51 on: February 07, 2004, 02:35 PM »
Dear Mr. Kedor:
I have decided that I like your publishing house best and am letting you publish my book.
You'll just love it.  My grandmother thinks it's better than that wizard book by Jk Roling. All the kids in the neighborhood red it and love it too. I know it's going to be a major big cellar and you'll make alot of money from it.
It's a 200,000 word mg about a 6 year old talking catwizard who goes to school. I wrote it in ten days.

I expect an advance of at least $100,000.00 if not I'll take the book to another publisher. I'm getting an agent tomorrow and you'll hear from him.

Yours truly,

A very well known singer.

PS
There is a live bird enclosed in the box because he has a large part in this story. I hope you like him, also there is a picture of my dead cat. The picture was taken after he got hit by a car and has a big part in this book too. I thought by sending the picture you would get an idea of what the cat and bird are supposed to look like in the story. His head wasn't smooshed like that before the accident but it's the only picture I had.

 
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els

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #52 on: February 12, 2004, 03:11 PM »
To Whom it may concern,

Enclosed is my picturebook manuscript of 200 words entitled "I'm a very funny bug."  I mainly write humor, the shorter the better, because quite often there isn't a lot to be happy about.  
This story is about a bug who went to school and daydreamed about going outside for recess.  His teacher put him in the closet for daydreaming, but when she shut the door on him it accidently smooshed him.  Then all the kids in the class used him for finger paint.
This could be a great unit study for homeschool students, showing why public school is evil, discussing the different body parts of insects, and, of course art.  I have also enclosed a pamphlet on using insects for art purposes.  I think that kids will be especially interested in the uses of fireflies for glow in the dark paints.
Yours sincerely,
Els

Myra

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #53 on: February 12, 2004, 04:18 PM »
That one was jaw-dropping, els! :eek5:

Deetie

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Re:Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #54 on: February 13, 2004, 09:51 AM »
Yes, Els, once again you have broken the mold and set the standard just a milimeter higher.  We bow to your brilliance.

And where ya been, anyway?

Deetie

laura l

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #55 on: September 05, 2004, 09:37 PM »
My dream letter: :paper:

Dear First Reader (I mean, who are we kidding here?!),

I hate writing cover letters. All they are is a nicety that is over-valued. Reading them is a waste your of time, so just skip over to my MS, A Cold Day Below. The SASE is enclosed, thank you for reading, yada, yada, etc.

Sincerely,

L. Lamond


Offline Donna J. Shepherd

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #56 on: September 06, 2004, 08:09 AM »
 :dr What a fun way to spend my morning on Labor Day reading all of these! Hilarious! Here's mine:


Dearest Lucky Editor!

This is your day!!! You’re gonna love my book!!! Everybody does!!! All the kids at church read it and raved about it. They just laughed and laughed, and it’s not even all that funny!!!

This is my first book. I don’t have kids, or really know any too well, but I was one once, and people tell me I still act like one, so I can relate!!!

This book is called “Mama, the Talking Llama.” She’s not really a mama (I told you I don’t have kids, so I can’t write abut being a mama, but I do have one, so maybe next book…!) but Mama rhymes so well with Llama, I couldn’t resist. The whole thing is in rhyme, but they aren’t all as good as that one!!

The mama’s baby llama doesn’t know he’s a llama until the end, but I’ll give you a sneak peak at the last line, “I’m a llama!” Isn’t that clever??? I know you want to read the rest now!!!

Call me!!! I don’t have much of a social life, and my family doesn’t come around much, so I’m free!!! Let’s do lunch!!!

Love,
Your next best-selling author!!!

ivariaa

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #57 on: September 06, 2004, 01:50 PM »
Hey Faye:

     Percy here, I've got to tell you that was a really attractive suit you wore to work yesterday.  I am partial though, to the teal green dress with the deep, deep neckline that you wore the day before.  You should lose the frilly while blouse you wore with it.  It makes you look too soft and we both know you are NOT soft!
     
     So what's the story on my story?  You have had it for eight years now.  I know you sent me 343 rejection form letters all stating you publish picture books not middle grade but you can't be serious.  Obviously you did not read it.  If you had you would start publishing middle grade right away, with mine being the first.  I took the liberty of dropping off the 344th rewrite in your car.  Sorry about the broken window but the new locks you had installed work better than the last ones.

I am concerned that you have stopped at the exclusive editors bar on 94th St. every night this month.  I saw you tossing back 8 drinks through the window.  Since you should not drink and drive why don't you read the ms I'll be leaving on the seat tonight before you go home?  It will sober you up and you can finally send me the handwritten reject I deserve. 

Thanks,
Persis T. Antt

PS: My sister is the chairperson for your local Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) chapter.  She will be dropping information at your home tomorrow.  Read it!

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #58 on: September 06, 2004, 02:10 PM »
:dr :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr   
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Offline Alison

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #59 on: September 06, 2004, 03:39 PM »
These are hilarious!! :dr Glad someone brought this thread to the forefront, since I hadn't seen it before. Here's a fake query letter I sent part of to the CW email list a couple of years ago:


Katherine L. Bigshot, Associate Publisher
Big-Time Book House
NY, NY

Dear Kate,

B is for this Bucky Beaver book I wrote
E is how EXCELLENT it is!
A is for All the kids in my daughter's class who loved it (some even cried!)
V is for Very good pictures I drew
E (see above)
R is for the stRong moral lesson it teaches (Don't talk to strangers!)

Bucky Beaver & Sammy Squirrel think it's ok to talk to a stranger--until they get kidnapped! This is a scary gripping story that will keep you on the edge of your seat. I won't tell you if they ever see their families again, but I will hint that I've left it open for a sequel! In fact I could easily do a whole series.

Please call me this week to let me know how much you can pay for it. I need to get new carpet so I need the money soon. You can call anytime until midnight central time, or I will call you if I don't hear from you by Friday.

Sincerely,

Miss Guided Writer

P.S. I need to go to Chicago on my book tour because my sister lives there and I never get to see her. But I'm sure you would want to sell books in Chicago, anyway!
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