Author Topic: Query Letters You'd Never ...  (Read 57419 times)

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #60 on: September 08, 2004, 02:54 PM »
Alison, what a RIOT!!  LOL!

Mel, who SHOULD be working
(It's Verla's fault.)

Offline Cana

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #61 on: September 08, 2004, 07:34 PM »
Thanks Verla. It's good to finally see Mel posting on this board!
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.~Edison


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #62 on: September 08, 2004, 09:47 PM »
Not sure it this is quite what you were looking for...but here we go... Deb:)

Sadey Joyless
SadSack Publications.

Hello. I am writing to you about the book that I just wrote, Cow Patties on my Porch, Moose Muffins on the Lawn. It is funny funny funny. I know, because when I read it to my neighbour he just laughed and laughed and laughed. He even called his kids out and when I read it to them they just laughed and laughed. They are still laughing. I can hear them even as I write to you.And the best part is I did not even have to read past the title to get them laughing! I was going to get my husband to write a testimonial as to how funny this book is but he cannot stop laughing long enough write. This is the joy and laughter that my book will bring to your publishing line. And frankly you need it. I looked at your  back list and there is nothing there that even comes close to putting laughter into the world. Your books all deal with depression, death, divorce. Need I go on?  And it appears that you do not publish books for children. I can change this for you. Get yourself going with publishing some humour and better yet,a book for children.

As my book is suitable for ages 2-18 you will certainly not have to worry about who will be buying it! Everyone will because I have covered all the ages! And what parent would not want to buy their children a book that will make them laugh and laugh and laugh.

I am a dedicated writer who works fast. I just finished the book the day before yesterday and made my decision to send it to you today after determining that as a publisher you need me. You need my book.As I am quite sure you will want to read this funny funny book of mine I will be sending it to you in the mail along with this query letter.  Let the laughter begin.

Marla Maloney-Happersnooky

p.s. I will be more than happy to also send you my next book, Luckie Duckie Meets  Loosey Goosey : A Book About Finding Love and Friendship on the Farm. I should be done it the day after tomorrow.

p.s.s. I just checked with my husband on writing that testimonial. He's laughing again. Need I say more?


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #63 on: September 08, 2004, 10:03 PM »
okay....I am literally sick with laughter!!!! "You guys" are tooooooo funny. And of course I am the only one up right now, or at least thought I was. One of my kids just called up, "Reading something funny?". Yep and then some!

Kay...I have some writing I wanted to do but of course I have to finish reading these!

Deb a.k.a Marla


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #64 on: September 09, 2004, 12:22 AM »

     What can I say?   :dr  :dr  :dr  I would write that testimonial for you but  :dr  :dr  :dr.  Now I can't go in the bedroom cause I might wake dh.   :dr  :dr  :dr .  Well may be I can find some tape around here  :x

And Everyone:   :dr  :dr  :dr  :dr  :dr  :dr My sides are spliting.  I have not  :dr  :dr  :dr  :dr  :dr this hard in YEARS.  Thanks!!!   :dr


                                                                         :dr   :dr      :dr       :dr           :dr         :dr                 

Stacie G.

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #65 on: September 09, 2004, 06:33 AM »
I have been laughing myself silly. Here is my contribution.

Dear Jane (If I may be so bold),

I am enclosing what is sure to be the greatest masterpiece of all time Drip Drop Goes My Snot.  What child doesn’t love boogers? This book includes various recipes on how to cook these delicious little morsels. While I am not sure of the exact calorie count, I don’t think they have any fat.

Please feel free to try out some of the recipes and let me know what you think.

I have taken the liberty of drawing up my own contract (I’m sure you won’t mind that 90% of the profits will go to me, after all it is my idea). I have enclosed an envelope with my address but you can put your own [word censored] stamp on it. (Hey, 37 cents will not break you).

Signed the “bestest” author of all times,

Tissue Wad

P.S. I have enclosed some of my own personal boogers for your enjoyment


Offline Donna J. Shepherd

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #66 on: September 09, 2004, 06:47 AM »
Ewwwww! I just read this one before breakfast!!!  :feelbad:

Too funny. This thread is good for the soul, isn't it? I can imagine children's writers all over guffawing, and thinking up another one.  :typing:



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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #67 on: January 05, 2005, 08:03 AM »
This thread needed to come back to the front. Here's mine.

Dear Wonky Dinky Danky Doo Publications Editor,

I am writing this because I love to write and I am a good writer. Everyone who reads my writing says I should continue to write. So I do. I write a whole bunch especially for children because it is so darn easy.

I hear you are looking for more writers and I would like to be a Wonky writer.

I have stuck five of my most favorite pieces of writing in this envelope. Please note that I like writing so much, I have re-written one of your current best sellers and it’s in there, too.

I have also included two of my son’s latest drawings, but they are the only copies I have so I need you to send them back. There are also a few of my sister’s recipes because she said you might like them. You can keep those.

I have tons of friends who write if you are interested in contacting them.

Well, I need to go write some more. I really have all the good ideas you’ll need, but if you want me to write something you’ve thought of, I will write it right away.

When you call this week, just let it ring and ring and ring. It takes me a while to answer the phone because I write up in the attic where I do my best writing.

I’m looking forward to writing Wonky.

Sara Casm

P. S. I don’t know what the current Wonky pay scale is, but my writing is worth top dollar. Could it be in cash?

P. P. S. Enjoy the recipes and don’t forget to send the drawings back. My address is on the envelope.


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #68 on: January 05, 2005, 08:15 AM »
 "Please note that I like writing so much, I have re-written one of your current best sellers and it’s in there, too. "

Omigosh  :dr :dr :dr--and the recipes and the pics  :dr and the friends who write  :dr :dr

And then I go back and reread others  :dr :dr So glad you brought the thread back.

Now-must-shower-and possibly compose another editor letter whilst readying for work--


Offline HB

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #69 on: January 05, 2005, 08:52 AM »
The recipes were the clincher for me.  :dr


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #70 on: January 05, 2005, 08:56 AM »
Greetings Wonky Dinky Danky Doo Publications Editor, ,

My friend Sara Casm told me you would publish my book. She also mentioned that there would be no need for me to edit the first draft that I am sending you attached to this email. “That is the editors job,” said she. I know it said on your website no email attachments but she explained that was to just slow down the other writers. The real writers like her and I are allowed to get there faster.

My story is actually a series of books about these kids with various names that have these various problems on a assortment of issues that they deal with in a variety of means that every child in all their variety will be able to relate to on so many levels I even lost track!
Barney’s Pointy Booger-how will he get it out? Little Tommy Tooter-what is that smell that follows him everywhere? Tina’s Special Toe Jam-will she ever learn to share? Stuffed up Steph-will she ever be able to do the farmer’s blow?  Bob’s Big Burps-will he be able to burp his way into Steph’s heart? These are only a sampling of what I can do.

I have experience with all these things, the boogers, the farts, the toe jam, the burping. I am still working on the farmer’s blow but being a dedicated writer and researcher I am learning even as I type, with one hand of course! Looking forward to seeing these in print, say next week? Oh, and I would need to add 10 percent to what you paying me, which would be the same as what you are paying Sara, because naturally I have to pay something to Sara for telling me about you. She explained that is how it works. Or I just guess you could just directly pay the 10 %. She would prefer cash. Me too.

Truly yours,

Felicity Funk

p.s. that is my plume name--Sara explained about that too.


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #71 on: January 05, 2005, 10:29 AM »
A follow up e-mail…

Dear Wonky Dinky Danky Doo Publications Editor,

I’m just writing you another quick note. Why? Because I love to write so much and I knew you’d like to read more of my writing.

By the way, did you call me this morning? My husband must have locked the attic door again by accident before he left for work, and I couldn’t get down before you hung up. My husband has a real problem with this. That’s why I keep a ladder outside next to the window whenever I write. I told you that I write a lot, didn't I?

Never fear, I put my writing away for the morning and have managed to get your personal e-mail, phone number, and home address from the internet. I have left ten messages for you already. Your assistant must be very slow or take lots of breaks because she isn’t answering anymore.

You’ll be glad to hear that I have forwarded this information to all my writing friends because I knew you would want to see their writing right away. They are so excited about becoming Wonky writers and I am excited about earning a bit of their earnings. I told them that you and I would be busy talking about my writing so you probably won’t get a chance to read all their writing until the weekend. I told them to be sure and stick in some of their favorite recipes and pictures.

You may have already been contacted by Felicity Funk, Lotta Wordsmith, Ima Fullavit, Eustace A. More, and Toto Lee Shownottell. The others are printing out all their stories to send you so you may not hear from them until tomorrow. I’m dialing your number right now!

Your friend,
Sara Casm

P. S. Don’t forget to send back my son’s drawings. He has to turn them in for extra credit next week


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #72 on: January 05, 2005, 02:40 PM »
Deb:  OMG, that is too funny.   :dr  :dr

I was curious as to whether the farmer's blow involved a tissue and a forceful exhalation through the nose, or a large bag of white powder and a forceful inhalation through the nose.   :dr  :dr  :dr

Glad to hear you have so much experience with boogers, farts and burps.  May I suggest vomit for a later sequel?

Thanks to you and JKC for the laugh!


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #73 on: January 05, 2005, 02:44 PM »
2nd e-mail...

Dear Wonky Dinky Danky Doo Publications Editor,

I wasn't able to reach you at the office today. Don't worry, I will call you at home this evening while I am writing new stuff for you.

Your nearest and dearest new Wonky writer,
Sara Casm


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #74 on: January 08, 2005, 12:34 PM »
alright I'll give it a go...

Dear C. Onlee Monee,

        After the immediate successes of "Tommy the Tap Dancing Tumbleweed" and "Percy the Perky Polka Dancing Paintbrush", I felt I was obligated to the boys-who-are-ashamed-to-dance group to write another bestseller to further help them deal with this difficult and trying issue.

        I know some at We Publish Celebrities Crap Publishing House think it is only because I am a star that my books will sell.  But the children of America need my books.  There just aren't any good books out there.

      So, with that in mind I wrote "The Saga of Sammy the Sashaying Sagebrush".   My talent for dealing with this difficult subject in a bright and lively manner astounds me.  Of course, my inspiration was my own little twinkle toes.  When the bullies started teasing him I knew I had to do something.  First I sent him to an elite private boarding school.  I supplied him with a whole team of dance instructors including ballet, clogging and ballroom dancing.  He really must be working hard.  He comes home on break bruised and weak.  I'm still wondering what kind of dancing causes such bruising to the eyes though.

     After solving my son's problem I knew I wanted to do more.  Then it came to me.  Children's books.  And now I'm writing books that will help boys everywhere feel proud of their dancing talent. I have found the way to help other boys like my son, Seafoam.

      After reading about Sammy the Sagebrush I know you will be clammering for the next book.  But you will just have to be patient.  I will ease the pain of waiting by telling you the next title though.  "Wesley the Whistling Waltzing Whiskbroom".

       But don't worry, that's not all.  When I have completed that book I will move onto other areas of children's literature where I see a gap.  For example I may tackle the difficulty of being the new kid with "Bertie the Bashful Backpack."  I have hundreds of brilliant ideas.

       Please contact my publicist with the details of my book tour.

       No thanks needed (Gushing praise will suffice)

       Imashutz  A  HujShtar
« Last Edit: January 08, 2005, 12:36 PM by ErinS »

Offline Torty

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #75 on: January 12, 2005, 03:34 PM »
I LOVE THIS THREAD! And just because I want to keep it on the forefront. Here is my contribution.

Dear Faye,
Just a quick note to let you know that you might need to have a bit of a word to some of your staff. They keep sending me someone else's rejection. They even write my name and the name of my story on the top and some of them have even signed it by YOU. Most disturbingly, on the last one i received (the 54th) someone had written in thick red marker and underlined 'THIS STORY HAS BEEN REJECTED. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!' I can't be thankful enough that I am receiving these rejections instead of that poor person. Imagine what it could do to their self esteem.

Anyhow, here is my story again. It's called Petey the Poisoned Puppy. I wrote it especially for you. I know you wear the perfume Poison- (I smelt it on the lock of hair I cut from you right before that 'misunderstanding' with security at the conference. By the way. I've sent that hair off for DNA testing cos I think we might be related. My great grandmother's middle name was Fayt oo. Wouldn't that be a blast!)
And I know you like puppy's too (doesn't everyone) and your puppy's name is Petey isn't it? Yep, it's a killer of a story, alright.
So, I'd better go. Gotta report to my parole officer.
I'll let you know the DNA results when you call to accept the story.


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #76 on: January 12, 2005, 05:00 PM »
 :dr :dr :dr

You've outdone a mile...maybe 100 miles...maybe 1000 miles. Too, too funny.
Jayme (Sara Casm)


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #77 on: January 12, 2005, 05:11 PM »
Oh, dear... Torty!  What can I say?  I'm glad there's an ocean (and a continent) between us! 

I'm loving the new contributions to this thread.  Certain letters here make me giggle uncontrollably in that oh-I'm-gonna-barf way . . . 
« Last Edit: January 12, 2005, 05:14 PM by Jaina »


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Re: The 5-Paragraph Query Letter
« Reply #78 on: January 12, 2005, 06:37 PM »
Dear Editor,

Many children's books have been written over the years.  Some are funny, some are sad, some are happy, some make you laugh.  I would like to tell you about my book.

First, my book is for children.  It is for three year olds to six year olds who don't know how to read yet.  It is for their parents to read to them.  In the case of children whose parents do not know how to read, that is a sad thing, and a teacher will have to do it.

Secondly, my book is about things children like.  Some children like bunny stories.  Some children like more exciting things like tiger stories.  Some would like an exciting bunny story.  That is the kind of story mine is.

Last of all, my book is available to you to be printed at your convenience.  It is all typed up.  It can be sent to you at any time.  When you ask for it, I will send it.

In conclusion, I would like to say something about myself.  I was taught writing by my great high school English teacher Mrs. Pace, who taught us all about the five-paragraph essay.  If it weren't for Mrs. Pace, I would not be where I am as a writer today.  Thanks, Mrs. Pace!!


Wanna Write

ps I would tell you about the self-addressed stamped envelope for your response and thank you but I didn't have a paragraph left.

Dear Wanna Write,

Thank you for sending me your query. I have considered your query. I thought about it for a long time. It was thought-provoking. I appreciate that you sent me such a thought-provoking query.

I agree that some children would like an exciting bunny story. I was such a child. But some children may not like such a story. I agree with that too. It is also true that some children may not like it one day, but then like it the next day. Children are fickle.

That is why I am writing to you. I write to ask that you consider revising your story. Maybe the exciting rabbit could befriend a dull tiger? This way your story could be exciting and dull at the same time. And it would also be about friendship. Almost all children like friends. In the case of children who do not like friends, that is a sad thing, and their parents or teachers will have to help them with that.

Lastly, I wish you luck with your revision: Good Luck.

In conclusion, please give my regards to Mrs. Pace. It was Mrs. Pace who encouraged me to start my own publishing company.

Sincerely yours,


P.S. I am sending you our catalogue. You will see that currently all of our books were written by me. We are looking to change that.


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #79 on: January 12, 2005, 07:14 PM »
Hey Faye-girl,
    Wuz up?  I just read an article in my I.M.A. Teen Grl Magazine bout a writer grl n she like made lots of  :EmoticonDollar: by writing a cool book which became famous and she was like a celeb like a month L8TR.  I didn't read the book cuz its not cool for someone like me to read.  Duh!  N E way, I had homework for my English class last week and like we wrote stories and stuff and I think this story is really really really good cuz its for people my age and like its based on a real life experience that happened to me and Jess last year.  We were at this girls house and shes like "wanna go to a party" and were like "ya of course" so we went to Brad's house cuz his parents were in the Bahamas for the week and so like then this one guy comes running in and hes really cute and he says the cops are outside so like we all ran to the backyard and like Jess gets pushed into the pool.  So like these guys are all like pushing and I pull Jess out and we like run to the fence and I get over but Jess gets stuck on the top cuz shes wearing this really short new skirt she got  the day before.  Its a really cute skirt and I borrowed it last night to go to Adam's.  So like my story kind of takes some stuff from the O.C. then cuz like everyone watches it and its cool. 

    My dorky little bro is telling my mom that I wont get off the computer so I guess you'll just have to like read it.  I GTG.  TTYL.  Oh ya and my number is 555-1212 but you can call my cell at 555-1213 but dont call during the day cuz my mom gets mad when I use the minutes and after 7 is my unlimited minutes so call then. 

    Hope you like it, Girl!  XoXo

  Teena Gegirl
   Oh ya and dont call like on Mondays or Wednesdays cuz I'll be at my Shake Yo Thang class.  Oh and Thursdays I go to Jess's to watch the O.C. and talk to Brad online and stuff.  Well CUL8TER Faye-girl!!



  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #80 on: January 12, 2005, 07:30 PM »
  Well, I was going to put a barfing smiley here, but it was really, really gross, so . . . you get the idea!


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #81 on: January 17, 2005, 03:07 PM »
Wade Thruslush
Big Honking Book Publishers

Dear Wade:

As Shakespeare so succinctly said, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

Here's my book. Publish it. Or else.

Tony Abalone

PS. I know where you live.


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #82 on: June 10, 2005, 06:33 AM »
Time to bring this silly thread back to the front.

Don’t Even Bother Publications
No address given.
Somewhere in NY, NY

Dear Editor,

I read that you are a closed house, but I’m happy to say that I have found a way in and I’m about to blow your doors off with my latest picture book “Eat Alotta Candy”. Everyone I’ve read it to says this is a great idea and one you’re going to pay big money for.

Kids are so tired of being told what to eat and this unlocks all the secrets of how kids can eat sugar all day long without the knowledge of their parents. This book is going to be zooming off the shelves, so you’ll have to print extra copies, but we can discuss that at our first meeting.

See! I knew you’d love this sweet (excuse the pun) story. I’m sitting here waiting for your call.

Sara Casm

P.S. This is an exclusive submission because you’re the last on my list.


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #83 on: June 10, 2005, 07:48 AM »
Jayme -- :dr :dr awesomely funny! My daughter would sure love a copy of YOUR BOOK! LOL! Now that she has been banned from sugar ever more!!:dr

 :hug1: -Christine-

Offline Lenzi

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #84 on: June 10, 2005, 08:20 AM »
Dear Sir:

   The crimson red blood of the editor glistened like rubies as it dripped over the messy, cluttered desk and spattered over the vast slopes of the slushpile down, down below.  Lindsay Linzi knew justice had been served.  A trembling quiver shivered down her spine as her emerald green eyes scanned the list she held clutched in her firm, tight grasp.  One down, two hundred thirty-five to go.

   EDIT THIS! is a young adult novel about Lindsay Linzi, a talented, creative eighteen-year-old teenager who discovers early on in life that she’s got what it takes to make it in the glamorous, glitzy world of children’s publishing.  But as she embarks on her life-long dream, she uncovers the sinister plot of a ruthless gang of editors who try to sabotage her every move.  Lindsay Linzi learns the secret art of fingerprinting so that she can discern which of the editors are in on the  dastardly plan.  When her manuscript is returned without a single print, the brilliant Lindsay Linzi knows without a doubt who her next victim will be.

The subject of teenage serial killers is a virtually untouched subject in young adult literature.  I believe that its sore neglect is due to the sad lack of personal knowledge of the matter.  I have read extensively on the subjects of firearms, karate, common household poisoning methods, and violent vengeance techniques.  I feel that this research, combined with my own personal quest for literary fame, gives me the unique perspective necessary to get into the mind of a character such as Lindsay Linzi.

Please consider publishing EDIT THIS!  I look forward to your reply.


L. Lenzi


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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #85 on: June 10, 2005, 08:25 AM »
I just read through these for the first time.  What a crack up!   I can't resist joining in on the fun.  

Faye Keditor
Fun! Fun! Better Than TV! Books For Young Readers

Dear Ms. Keditor,

I'm probably wasting my time writing to you, huh?  Wasted a stamp and a couple of envelopes again, right?  

Well just in case you happen to read this letter, I want you to know how smart I've gotten.  No more slush piles for me.  Tomorrow I'm heading to Hollywood to start auditioning.  Sure, I might have to starve for a few years, but that's nothing new.  I may have to start out in porn flicks, but it's worth it.  I'll make a big name for myself and see you on the other side.  Get my book deal ready.


B.  Tendown-Riter
(Soon to be the famous movie star/author:  Foxxxy Duzzitall.)


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #86 on: June 10, 2005, 08:29 AM »
Lol, Lenzi.  Even I'm scared! 


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #87 on: June 10, 2005, 09:36 AM »
Dear Editor-Shmeditor :pp:

I wrote this little picture book
Last night when I was bored
It’s full of rhyme and lots of fun
Now I’d like my reward

I’ve used all kinds of characters
Like Barney and Donald Duck,
And even Bart from that Simpsons show
Though I think he’s quite the schmuck

I’m not very good at drawing
So my kids did all the art
They’re two and four and I really think
My kids are pretty darn smart

I hope you enjoy my picture book
It’s only 4000 words
I’ll send one more later this week
(But that one’s about dead birds)

The adorable,

Mrs. Dee Plorable

(hee hee - you guys are really funny!  Couldn't resist joining in! :dr)

Violet ;)
« Last Edit: June 10, 2005, 09:39 AM by Violet05 »


  • Guest
Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #88 on: June 10, 2005, 03:38 PM »
Wow, Lenzi, I'm both impressed and frightened.

Dear Ms. Keditor

I have an incredibly moving piece to send you, although you probably won't appreciate it. It's perfect for children and I know they'll love it. You'll  just send it back to me bacause you probably don't have any children and have no clue as to what children actually like. My friends have all told me how they can't wait to buy my book to read to their kids, but you wouldn't understand that either, seeing how you probably don't have any friends. I can assure you that most people would care about this manuscript and will buy the book when it's out. Too bad you won't do anything about it though, because you'll be too busy hanging out with the artsy crowd in New York to even care.


Ima Bitter
« Last Edit: June 10, 2005, 04:01 PM by thx1978 »

Offline Laurie

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Re: Query Letters You'd Never ...
« Reply #89 on: June 10, 2005, 07:27 PM »
Dear Big NY Publisher,

I’ve a written a really exciting, though ultimately depressing story for middlegraders.  It’s kind of a cross between Fight Club and Captain Underpants.  Except I’ve really amped it up for 4th graders because I know my boys get bored unless there’s plenty of action and fart jokes.

The main character is depressed through most of the story, but things get better at the end coz the character dies!  (I know characters have to undergo a change by the end of a story and, well, mine undergoes the ultimate transformation!) 

Lastly, I think you should publish my middle grade reader because it will help build your audience for YA.    I use lots of four-letter words, so I think my story will translate well to the screen.  It has lots of potential for marketing tie-ins.  My kids love to eat at Subway, so I mention it a lot in my book!  The main character eats at least two meals a day there while his Dad is in detox.

You can call anytime.  I write mostly at night cause my boys are bouncing off the walls during the day.

Sincerely yours,
The next Chuck Palahniuk (only just for kids!)

P.S.  People who have read my manuscript say that I have a great voice, so when you do the book-on-tape thing you can use mine.