Author Topic: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.  (Read 11515 times)

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #30 on: June 18, 2009, 09:06 AM »
Thor snatched the chattering teeth and held them out of Val's reach. She lunged at Thor, one hand grabbing for the teeth, the other clutched to her bosom where the teeth had bitten her. Thor thrust his heavily muscled arm out and clamped his meaty hand down on the top of Val's head, holding her at arm's length. Val thrashed out at him, but his longer reach kept her at bay. "Give them back! Give them back, you poopoohead!" she shrieked. "Na na na na na!" Thor yelled in reply. This went on for some time, until Thor had a brilliant idea. "Wait!" he said. "I'll trade you the teeth for the shoehorn." Val's struggles stopped. She nodded and proceeded to remove the shoehorn from its cavernous hiding place...

Thor looked at Val with a whole new interest.  :ha
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #31 on: June 19, 2009, 05:24 PM »
At that moment Thor was tackled by the might of the juggernaut known as Herakles. Herakles explained that he had been sent by Zeus to return the teeth to their rightful holder, the nefarious god of gums and the muse for Thor's dental desires - Horus Smilie McGee. "Unhand the dentures of the gods!!! Fool!" he shouted as he lunged at Thor. "Give me the ivories! Or I will bash in thy brains!"

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #32 on: June 19, 2009, 06:34 PM »
Unfortunately, in the struggle, Thor's nose was smashed and began to bleed profusely. He turned to wipe his broken nose, and got the teeth drenched in his blood. And then a curious thing happened. The two canine teeth, dripping with blood, lengthened to morph into the vicious teeth of a vampire. Thor stared at them in horror.

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #33 on: June 19, 2009, 07:50 PM »
Indeed they looked like vampire teeth; they gleamed like vampire teeth; and they tore flesh like vampire teeth.  But were they really vampire teeth?  Thor noticed that a swirling mist enveloped the teeth.  And in the midst of the mist a vague outline of a snout, two ears, and a tail could be discerned. 

In a heartbeat, the mist had resolved itself into the diminutive form of Thor’s canine companion–an animal known throughout the celestial realm as the Hound of Heaven.

“Pookie?” said Thor.   

"Arf!" said Pookie, giving Thor a big sloppy kiss.  Attached to Pookie at the other end of the leash was Horus Smilie McGee. And he wasn't smiling.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2009, 07:55 PM by Betsy »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #34 on: June 19, 2009, 08:46 PM »
Horus Smilie McGee was covered in Thor's blood which did not make him smile at all. (It was more of a sneer.) Thor grabbed  Pookie the Hound of the Heavens collar and ran quickly back to Bumworten to seek refuge from Horus (thinking him to be The Dreaded Vampire of Twinkleland.) Surely the Twinkle Gods were bestowing their vengeance on those who dared to touch the pearly teeth and fight over their forbidden powers . . . And Val . . . she disappeared mysteriously into the lingering mist.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2009, 09:15 PM by funny stuff »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #35 on: June 19, 2009, 10:47 PM »
But when Thor and Pookie arrived back at Bumworten with Horus hot on their heels, they found the place overrun with hungry, brain-eating zombies. Sadly, the zombies starved to death.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #36 on: June 20, 2009, 09:05 AM »
"Holy Gray Matter!" cried Thor. "Thank you oh Twinkling Knowledge Gods of sparkling Twinkleland for your true wisdom . . . Initiating cut-backs in our education at Bumworten . . . your intuitive vision of things to come has saved my friends from brain eating zombies."
« Last Edit: June 20, 2009, 05:56 PM by funny stuff »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #37 on: June 20, 2009, 09:37 AM »
But Thor was increasingly becoming a pain in the Twinklegods collective rear ends. With a wave of their wands, they struck him dumb as well as...um dumb.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2009, 09:39 AM by Artemesia »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #38 on: June 20, 2009, 12:17 PM »
It goes without saying that no one at Bumworten noticed a change in Thor. For all his obsessions with dentistry and his passion for collecting mini-sized-soap-bars from hotels left them thinking he was always on the same intellectual level as them.

This change in the forces of brain power left Pookie as the All-Knowing-Guru of everything.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2009, 05:55 PM by funny stuff »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #39 on: June 20, 2009, 01:01 PM »
Thor built himself a tower out of his mini-soap bar collection, using toothpaste for mortar. He walled himself off from the rest of the world and in solitude at the top of the tower, composed potty limericks.

Pookie, the All-Knowing-Guru of everything, knew where Val had disappeared to from the lingering mist. With Thor safely out of the way, he decided to go get himself some. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?)
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #40 on: June 20, 2009, 05:48 PM »
Meanwhile, in math class, Professor Gunnhild was wondering how Val and Becky Bottlesworth had come to be her two top students.  True, classes were smaller after the cutbacks and the zombies, but staying after school to discuss Fermat's Last Theorem seemed somewhat out of character.

“It’s the shoehorn,” Val whispered to herself.  Odin’s shoehorn, still hidden in her ear, was having a strange effect on her brain.  (What?  You thought it was where??) 

Becky Bottlesworth wasn’t listening.  “My teeth feel funny,” she said.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #41 on: June 20, 2009, 07:29 PM »
Professor Gunnhild was unaware that Val and Becky were part of an evil plan. Horus Smilie McGee had defected from the godly realm. Being a subservient third-hand man held no true destiny for Horus. With Val and Becky at his side, he could begin his reign in the world of Bumworten. Every girl was destined to be part of his harem.

Pookie, being the-All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru, knew he must get Thor down from his Ivory-Soap-Tower to thwart Horus Smlie McGee's evil plan. But, how could he give Thor wisdom again?

« Last Edit: June 20, 2009, 07:42 PM by funny stuff »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #42 on: June 20, 2009, 07:39 PM »
Pookie, the All-Knowing-Guru of Everything, apparently didn't know what happens when a small dog turns a fire-hose onto a gleaming, ivory soap tower. "Arf! Arf! Arooooo!" came his eerie cries as the flailing fire-hose tossed him about like King-Kong with a boogie on his finger. Finally, the soap tower dissolved into a sudsy mess and Pookie let go of the hose.

Thor sat blinking in unfeigned stupidity, soggy notebook of potty limericks hanging limp in his hand. "Hey, dumba*s!" yelled Pookie and whipped an encyclopedia at his head.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #43 on: June 20, 2009, 07:58 PM »
Pookie, the All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-Of-Everyhing-With-Exception-Of-Ivory-Soap-Towers, had developed a plan. He must get the Golden Shoehorn from Val's ear and implant it somewhere into Thor's body. Surely that would help Thor regain his Noodle-Know-How and return him to his heroic role at Bumworten.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #44 on: June 22, 2009, 05:03 AM »
In the meantime, a million miles away, an asteroid the size of Texas was hurtling toward the Earth.  Scientists were saying it would be a "near-miss event", which was simply code for, "We're saying our good-byes to all those we love now."  The asteroid, as it turned out, would make impact at the precise coordinates currently occupied by any odd-looking tower made of soap.

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #45 on: June 22, 2009, 07:22 AM »
In the faint distance, just on the horizon, a new hero emerged. Standing 20 Stories tall and as wide as two football fields, it was Mega Mooshy Marshmallow Man.

He pounced and He bounded
He jumped and he pounded
With a loud gooshy sound
He plopped to the ground . . .    just atop the remains of the Ivory-Soap-Tower. The comet in all it's driving force was hurtling straight for Mega-Mooshy Marshmallow Man. Could it be toasted Marshmallows for our new hero?



(If this sounds like a rip-off from some Bill Murray 80's movie . . . Who ya gonna calll? ) :hair :shh
« Last Edit: June 22, 2009, 05:49 PM by funny stuff »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #46 on: June 22, 2009, 08:30 AM »
“What smells like smores?” said Becky Bosworth.

“Why is this little doggie licking my ear?” said Val.

Pookie, the All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-Of-Some-Things-and-Not-Others-This-is-Getting-Complicated, yanked the golden shoehorn from the wide orifice of Val’s ear (don’t start) and sprang out again through the window of the Bumwarten math class.

Gripping the shoehorn between his teeth, the tiny Pomeranian rushed towards Thor, who sat between the legs of the progressively browning marshmallow man, oblivious to the comet hurtling towards them.

“Duh, I’m using my ‘cyclopedia as a hat,” said Thor.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #47 on: June 23, 2009, 08:56 AM »
Pookie, the All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-of-Some-Things-and-Not-Others-and-Possessor-of-The-Golden-Shoehorn picked up a discarded bar of soap in his rush towards Thor and the gooey mound that was once a giant marshmallow man, and tossed the bar of soap in Thor's direction. "Hey, Thor!" he yelled. "Pick up that bar of soap, would ya!" Thor bent over in compliance.

Pookie drove the shoehorn home.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #48 on: June 23, 2009, 09:14 AM »
"Yow!" Thor cried.  But when he stood, not only was his foot fungus gone, so was his amnesia.

Pookie glared at Thor, then slobbered all over him in a shower of licks. 

"Okay, okay.  Stop it! Stop it!" Thor laughed like a little boy, falling to the ground in a heap before he glanced up and noticed a dark spot in the sky looming above.  It looked like...

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #49 on: June 23, 2009, 03:22 PM »
A Giant Shoehorn made of Kryptonite.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #50 on: June 23, 2009, 05:08 PM »
As the asteroid neared earth it was dropping rainbows and snow cones on everyone, what else would one expect from the celestially dislodged Asgard. Or as the Greek gods joked "Assguard". Herakles and his fellow Frat brothers Ares, Hades and Rufus were partying like it was 1999. For they knew they were staring down the barrel of Ragnarök. But they were lovin' the rainbows and snow cones that foreshadowed their doom. And Rufus had brought puppies and kittens, for he knew that puppies and kittens made even the end of world fun (he was after all the Greek god of puppies and kittens).

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #51 on: June 24, 2009, 10:48 AM »
All eyes were on the sky as our heroes tried to dodge the whimpering puppies and kitties that hurtled to the ground.  Splat.  Splat, splat.  The pointy end of a snow cone drove into Val’s skull and she fell down dead.  Thor was strangely unmoved.  Next to him, Becky Bottlesworth was making ak-ing noises like a kitty with a fur ball (not one of the Rufus’s kitties.  They had fur balls no more, their ak-ing noises forever silent).

Suddenly, Becky coughed up a rectal thermometer that shattered as it hit the ground.

“Mrs. Opalmeyer!” cried Thor.
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #52 on: June 24, 2009, 12:09 PM »
"Thor, my love!" cried the old cougar. "You have no idea what I've been through to be back in your arms again." Thor rubbed his still-smarting backside, "I have some idea," he mumbled. Thor spread his arms wide and Mrs Opalmeyer rushed to his heaving chest to receive his embrace. They looked to the heavens where the asteroid still hurtled toward Bumworten. "If we die, we die together," Thor whispered.

The asteroid's descent strangely slowed, and it became obvious that it was no asteroid at all, but a shoehorn-shaped spacecraft. Thor and his old lady watched in awe as the spacecraft landed, and Odin appeared from the open hatch. "I've come to take you both to the halls of Valhalla. Grab a toothbrush. We eat a lot of garlic. Keeps the fleas away."

As Thor was never without a fully stocked oral hygiene kit, they were ready to go. "I knew this was going to happen," said Pookie the Annoyingly-Smug-All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-of-Almost-Everything. Odin turned his gaze on Pookie. "Sit. Stay. Good dog."

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #53 on: June 24, 2009, 03:39 PM »
"Furry-Flea-Bitten-Flying Suacers!" barked Pookie, the Ferociously-Frustated-All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-of-Almost-Everything, "You're not going anywhere! I must stay with Master Thor, but won't move to some Forsaken Flea-Ridden Planet to be surrounded by a bunch of Furballs!" With that, he grabbed a mouthful of Marshmallow gue from the ground and bounded atop the flying saucer. Back and forth he went, grabbing more goo from the the Melted-Mega-Marshmallow hero and wrapping it around the spacecraft. He moved with the speed of lightening. The spacecraft was gooey-glued to the ground. "Please release us" cried Odin. "If we do not transcend now, we will miss our lift-off-window and be doomed to stay here until the Mother-Ship locates our beacon transmitter."

While Pookie, the Marshmallow-Mouthed-Goo-Coated-All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-of-Almost-Everything licked his paws, Horus came running to the scene. Angered by this wrinkle in is plan, he threw snow cones, furballs and marshmallow goo . . .
« Last Edit: June 24, 2009, 04:08 PM by funny stuff »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #54 on: June 25, 2009, 04:57 AM »
"The Mother Ship," Thor murmured to himself. 

Pookie heard him, however.  "What are you murmuring about?"

"Well, remember how the scientists who called this a near-miss-even said it was an asteroid the size of Texas?"

"I thought you were suffering from amnesia when that happened."

Thor shrugged.  "Anyway, this Golden Shoehorn spaceship clearly isn't the size of Texas.  Which means..."

Pookie sat on his hindquarters and scratched behind his ear. "Yes?" he said, boredly.

"Which means the Texas-sized asteroid is really the Mother ship.  And the Mother ship hasn't arrived."

"So?"

"So?  We need to come up with a Texas-size landing pad quick, or else the Mother ship will end up squashing 10 million people!  And I know just the place!"

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #55 on: June 25, 2009, 11:05 AM »
Pookie the All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-of-Almost-Everything-Who-Should-Have-Known-This arfed in impatience. "Where?"
"Why, the Canadian prairies, of course!" said Thor. "There's no bigger, flatter piece of land anywhere! And those Canadians could use a little excitement. Can you imagine how boring it must be to just stand around wheat fields all day saying 'eh' and eating back bacon?"
"Perfect!" said Pookie. He looked at the mashmallow-coated-shoehorn-shaped spaceship. "Uh, how do we get there?"

(BTW, I'm Canadian. I'm allowed to make fun of us. :moose)
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #56 on: June 26, 2009, 08:53 AM »
"Val!" Thor cried.

Pookie glanced all around, but was certain Val was still dead-by-snow-cone.  Sure enough, Val's lifeless body laid there rather lifelessly. Besides, what good was a brainless beauty?

"Valkyrie's can fly.  I read it on Wikipedia once. She can get us there."

"But she's dead," Pookie said.

"She's not really dead," Thor explained. "She's just experiencing brain freeze.  All we have to do is remove this snow cone from her skull, and she'll rise up again."

"I think you're thinking of the Phoenix."

"Am I? I don't think so. There are no ashes here. Although, Phoenix's can fly as well.  I read about it in a Harry Potter book once."

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #57 on: June 26, 2009, 10:50 AM »
Meanwhile, the Mother Ship was in it's descent towards our heros. Pookie,The All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-of-Almost-Everything-Especially-The-Size-of-UFOs, looked up.
 "That thing isn't as big as the state of Texas," He growled, "It's merely the size of Rhode Island."
"Texas!" retorted Thor.
"Rhode Island!" barked Pookie, The All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-of-Almost-Everything-Especially-UFO-Dimensions. "I told you not to exaggerate over a million times! Texas . . . my patootie!"

Torn between de-frosting Val, the Ice Queen, and saving everyone from the impending doom of the Mother ship, the two quibbled on.

"Save us!"
"Save Her!"
"Us!"
"Her!"
« Last Edit: June 26, 2009, 10:55 AM by funny stuff »
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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #58 on: June 27, 2009, 09:44 AM »
But at that moment Odin managed to extract himself from the gooey, sticky, marshmallow mess and thundered "ENOUGH!"

Pookie, the All-Knowing-Dog-God-Guru-Of-Almost-Everything-Who-Had-Suddenly-Wet-His-Fur and Thor stopped their bickering and looked abashedly at Odin. Mrs Opalmeyer moved to hide behind Thor, giving Val a little kick in the pants on the way. Odin bellowed, "You kids are driving me crazy!" He took a deep breath, and said "F@&% it. Figure this one out for yourselves." And with that, Odin disappeared.

The crew of the Mother ship, having seen the whole thing via satellite, were thoroughly disgusted and changed their trajectory. But not without first launching a few nasty bombs at Pookie and Thor.
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RyanBruner

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Re: I Heart The Story; You Hurt It.
« Reply #59 on: June 29, 2009, 10:14 AM »
Nasty, indeed, for the mother ship had not emptied its "waste sewage" tank in ages. While most of it burned up in the atmosphere, the stench it left behind would irrevocably render the planet Earth with a new status: Outhouse to the Stars...avoid at all costs.  None of the gods, aliens, monster, or even true asteroids dared to intermingle with the newly contaminated atmosphere.  The scientists who had predicted the end of the Earth called it a "natural disaster unlike the world has ever known".  The methane greenhouse gases, alone, would cause a global rise in temperatures, and the entire human population would have to wear masks any time they went outside.

Thor, however, was immune to all of it because the odor from his own foot fungus (now gone) and rendered his sense of smell completely useless.