Author Topic: Most Unpromising Opening?  (Read 19147 times)

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Offline Cynthia Kremsner

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #30 on: May 26, 2009, 05:29 PM »
My Mom has gone through so much. She is ill now, going through divorce, has to work all day to pay the bills, and has three kids besides me. It's so bad that I have put aside all my teenage angst to write a story about all that has been bestowed upon the poor woman.
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Offline ccw

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #31 on: May 26, 2009, 06:10 PM »
Once upon a time there was a gorgeous girl who lived with her perfect, well-adjusted family in a neighborhood with other perfect families. Everyone liked each other. They often swapped cookies and cupcakes and Hallmark greeting cards. The girl had no problems. She had no goals. None of her friends had problems or goals either. Neither did her fabulous, respectful boyfriend. How nice.

Ugh. I'm grossing myself out.
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Offline Carol Anne

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2009, 07:10 PM »
*********************************
Everybody has bad days. It's part of life. Sometimes you even have three or four of them all at once. But how many people can say they've had  263 bad days in a row? ANyone? Didn't think so. So...I win. 263 days of bloating, puking, hemorrhoids, heartburn, stretch marks and t*ts that look like frikken water balloons. Just so I can become another stupid statistic on some stupid official chart somewhere. "Sixteen year old idiot girl gets knocked up by loser and ruins life." And, according to the control-freak doctor that my Mom makes me go to, I have another 17 days to go and THEN it will ALL be worth it.  Yeah...right. "

(Hey! I kind of like this depressing beginning...)

« Last Edit: May 26, 2009, 08:07 PM by Carol Anne »
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Offline ello

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2009, 08:03 PM »
I have terrible gas.
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Offline Carol Anne

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2009, 08:18 PM »
Oh no, Ello! You have gas AND diarrhea!  Bad day.

I really like games like this.  I'm trying it again. But this time I'm goin' for painful writing, over depressing...

*********************************************
As he stood framed in the doorway of the remarkably ornate heavily carved entrance way, the mandarin-orange afternoon sunlight formed a biscuit-golden halo around his shimmery flaxen curls.  His rugged and chisled jaw jutted arrogantly forward, and his deepset blue eyes that were the colour of shimmering pools of midnight lake centers, flashed mischieviously.  He pulled the tattered note from the pocket of his tight-but-just-right Levis and read the note again.

" I hate you with the white burning hot intensity of six million burning hot crimson suns." 

The words stung him to the very center of the core of his fragile emotional center.
****************************************************
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Offline Cynthia Kremsner

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2009, 08:36 PM »
Oh no, Ello! You have gas AND diarrhea!  Bad day.

I really like games like this.  I'm trying it again. But this time I'm goin' for painful writing, over depressing...

*********************************************
As he stood framed in the doorway of the remarkably ornate heavily carved entrance way, the mandarin-orange afternoon sunlight formed a biscuit-golden halo around his shimmery flaxen curls.  His rugged and chisled jaw jutted arrogantly forward, and his deepset blue eyes that were the colour of shimmering pools of midnight lake centers, flashed mischieviously.  He pulled the tattered note from the pocket of his tight-but-just-right Levis and read the note again.

" I hate you with the white burning hot intensity of six million burning hot crimson suns." 

I especially loved the tight-but-just-right Levis. Adjective Power! Romance Novels and adjectives here we come! Where is Fabio?

The words stung him to the very center of the core of his fragile emotional center.
****************************************************
:dr
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Offline LindaBudz

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #36 on: May 26, 2009, 08:47 PM »
"Where's Papa going with that axe?"

"Squeeaaa...!" Whack!

"Never mind."
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Offline Alison

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #37 on: May 26, 2009, 09:26 PM »
"Where's Papa going with that axe?"

"Squeeaaa...!" Whack!

"Never mind."

LOL!

I seriously have tears streaming down my face after reading this thread.  :dr

Loved the long one by 1846...makes me feel kind of calm and still! ;)
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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #38 on: May 26, 2009, 10:25 PM »
These last two actually are quite intriguing Anne and Maude!  I'd like to know why pimply pictures of hearts are erupting in diners.  Sounds pseudo-sci-fi-ish.  And the perfect body girl?  What about this world you've created actually led to beauty being a negative thing?  Inquiring minds want to know!

I agree! I like those openings, actually.  :hiding

Offline 1846

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #39 on: May 27, 2009, 04:15 AM »
Okay, I have to do another one.  This is just way too much fun.


She broke up with him during the second intermission of Eugene Onegin at the Met.  He stormed away from their seats in the Family Circle and left the opera house, leaving her to find her own way back to Brooklyn.  For the next eight years, they neither saw nor heard from each other again.  Their lost love, which had turned to boiling hatred, finally simmered and went dormant as they led their separate lives.

Then fate drew them together once again, when, unbeknownst to each other, they both registered for Martha Stewart's pie eating contest in the Hamptons.  In one fateful instant, when his eyes met hers, their mutual loathing was rekindled, and a simple pie eating contest was about to become a fight to the death.

"It was not a good thing," Martha Stewart later told the police officers who investigated the tragic incident.

Offline edawn

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #40 on: May 27, 2009, 04:26 AM »
There must be something wrong with me because I want to read the rest of several of these.

Barbara Eveleth

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2009, 04:32 AM »
I like that 1846.

I think somehow you should comment on why the two chose Eugene Onegin in the first place. Maybe one of them really did not want to see it at all. It was sort of the last straw (or opera).

Pie eating turns into fork fighting. Ooooo.

This really sounds like a true story in Vanity Fair Magazine. Send it to them.

But you made it up, right? Right?

Offline 1846

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #42 on: May 27, 2009, 04:40 AM »
I like that 1846.

I think somehow you should comment on why the two chose Eugene Onegin in the first place. Maybe one of them really did not want to see it at all. It was sort of the last straw (or opera).

Pie eating turns into fork fighting. Ooooo.

This really sounds like a true story in Vanity Fair Magazine. Send it to them.

But you made it up, right? Right?

Thank you!  And of course I made it up .... (the forks were stirling, by the way, and the napkins white linen.)  Why Onegin?  Because of "his" crush on Renee Fleming, and "her" crush on Dmiti Hvorostovksy ... and when Onegin dumps Tatiana ... well, I must not go on, I'm telling, not showing.

Offline CC

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #43 on: May 27, 2009, 05:38 AM »
She broke up with him during the second intermission of Eugene Onegin at the Met.  He stormed away from their seats in the Family Circle and left the opera house, leaving her to find her own way back to Brooklyn.  For the next eight years, they neither saw nor heard from each other again.  Their lost love, which had turned to boiling hatred, finally simmered and went dormant as they led their separate lives.

Then fate drew them together once again, when, unbeknownst to each other, they both registered for Martha Stewart's pie eating contest in the Hamptons. 

If you replace the Met with a county fair or a boat dock, this could easily be a Nicolas Sparks novel. This is completely publishable, 1846. What the heck are you doing writing kidlit?
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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #44 on: May 27, 2009, 05:45 AM »
There was a chip in my cereal bowl, and it made me angry.  I was going to find out who did it, no matter what, starting with Gibbers, my pet gerbil.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #45 on: May 27, 2009, 05:49 AM »
I agree with CC. You could write a bunch of short stories with social commentary of relationships gone awry like Jhumpa Lahiri (sp?) did. But add a dash of Edward Gorey.


I'd buy it. (I'd illustrate it.)

Offline 1846

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #46 on: May 27, 2009, 06:13 AM »
That's all very flattering, thank you!  I just wish someone would tell me my WIP is completely publishable ...

Oh, the irony, to get a compliment like that when I'm trying to write something ridiculously UNpublishable!
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 06:30 AM by 1846 »

Offline Tyson McFrost

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #47 on: May 27, 2009, 06:36 AM »

"Your WIP is completely publishable." said Mr. Collin, my Literature College Professor.
I was stunned by this--literally stunned by this, no, no, figuratively stunned by this! Who would've thought that I--the Football Jock who misses almost all his classes, besides PE--could actually have a shot at being a published righter. I mean autor...waiter. I meant to say writer.

:shh )
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 07:08 AM by Tyson D. Mc Donald »
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Offline David Wright

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #48 on: May 27, 2009, 06:38 AM »
"Living with Dyslexia"

I wkoe to ym clcok's aralm.

"3:80?"

Oh, byo, it was ltae. And I hda an appoimntnet.

OR

"The Narcissist"

I looked in my mirror and noted every perfect angle, each line of symmetry, on my angelic face. My brows arced in uniform splender as they lifted to allow my eyes full exposure to my godlike beauty.

OR

"Stream of thought-lessness."

I never liked Stacey. I wonder why she didn't have an 'i' in her name. It'd be funny if she had one eye and had an 'i' in her name. Then it be like the birthday card: Staci with one 'i'. Stacey didn't come to my birthday. Of course I didn't invite her. My invitations looked so cool. Even Gordie said so. I like his hair. It's wonderfully wavy. And I like sailing. Well, boating, I guess. But Stacey wouldn't let me on her boat. Her Dad said I could and she said no. So I scratched her dad's car. They deserved it.
 


Offline Debby G

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #49 on: May 27, 2009, 06:52 AM »
You guys are too freakin' clever! You should try to be writers or something one day.

How bout this for a picture book:

Mama told Little Lucy she'd still love her after the baby was born, but just not as much.
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RyanBruner

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #50 on: May 27, 2009, 07:01 AM »
I'm going to die.  We all are going to die.  It's just, I'm planning on doing it sooner than everyone else.  Like, in ten minutes from now.  I don't care if you think it's a sin or immoral or just plain selfish.  I don't want to be alive anymore, and so I'm just gonna end it all.  Nothing spectacular.  No drug overdoses or slit wrists.  So overdone.  No going off on all my friends and family or my school.  I'm not in it for attention.  I mean, I'll be dead, so what do I care if you notice me or not?  It isn't like anyone noticed me before.  Nope.  I'm going to die, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me. 

Then again, maybe I won't kill myself after all.

Offline David Wright

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #51 on: May 27, 2009, 07:48 AM »
Mama told Little Lucy she'd still love her after the baby was born, but just not as much.

Perfect!  :dr

Offline G.R.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #52 on: May 27, 2009, 09:47 AM »
Quote
Quote from: G.R. on Yesterday at 06:08 PM

The day began just like any other. You know that crusty stuff you find in the corners of your eyes and have to dig out when you first wake up...?

HAHA I think I like this one....is there something wrong with me?  :hiding

:D Not really. You could try it on one of your works if you think you can take it somewhere more interesting than I probably could.



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Just don't hurt nobody, 'less of course they ask you."

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Offline MaryWitzl

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #53 on: May 27, 2009, 10:02 AM »
The day Danny Gonzales and I discovered our shared interest in stamp collecting and backgammon was one I'll never forget. I should have known we'd get along: we even ate Oreos the same, nibbling the edges off, prying the two layers apart, and licking out the centers. We met in algebra, when we both couldn't get simultaneous equations. We get them now -- just like we get that math is fun.  Because it is, you know.




Offline G.R.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #54 on: May 27, 2009, 10:05 AM »
This list, so far, prooves that there is no such thing as a terrible opening line for fiction...Even if you try to write one.

You can sell them as comedies...just add an appropriate title...The Worst Book Ever. Another Teen Love Book.  The Worst Harry Potter Rip-off. 
      

True -- it's when you're, at least on some level, trying to be serious that these beginnings could be taken as "bad." :)


How about this one:

"So then the talent agent says to the dad, 'So, uh, what to do call this ... most unusual ... family act?' And the dad, with a great flourish, says, 'The Aristocrats!'"

My smile faded as my classmates just looked at me, stone-faced and unsmiling. I knew right then that my sense of humor was too sophisticated for these morons. It's gonna be a looooong school year, I thought.


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Just don't hurt nobody, 'less of course they ask you."

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Offline HB

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #55 on: May 27, 2009, 10:10 AM »
"So then the talent agent says to the dad, 'So, uh, what to do call this ... most unusual ... family act?' And the dad, with a great flourish, says, 'The Aristocrats!'"

My smile faded as my classmates just looked at me, stone-faced and unsmiling. I knew right then that my sense of humor was too sophisticated for these morons. It's gonna be a looooong school year, I thought.

 :dr  OK, that's *way* funnier than the original joke.

Offline ello

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #56 on: May 27, 2009, 10:12 AM »

Mama told Little Lucy she'd still love her after the baby was born, but just not as much.

 :dr :dr :dr :dr :dr
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Offline fallpeople

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #57 on: May 27, 2009, 10:14 AM »
You're all killing me!

Here's mine:
The thing is, they make recycling sound so glamorous on the Disney Channel, but in real life? Well, let me just tell you the top 100 things you find at the bottom of discarded glass jars.

Offline HB

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #58 on: May 27, 2009, 10:19 AM »
Grounded. For the entire summer. Stuck in my bedroom. Bored, bored, bored. No friends, no phone, no Internet, no TV. Maybe I should start a diary to relieve boredom. Too bad I’m not particularly bright, funny or insightful.

Day 1

Ate cheese doodles. Wiped orange powder on my jeans. Looked at the ceiling. Repeat.

Day 2

Ate Doritos. Wiped reddish orange powder on my jeans. Looked at the scale. I’ve gained a pound. Repeat.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #59 on: May 27, 2009, 11:26 AM »
Polly the Pelican ate a fish tart,
Hiccuped & burped as she let out a fart,
Exploded all over the nursery wall -
Her dinner, the minnows, her innards and all.