Author Topic: Most Unpromising Opening?  (Read 19161 times)

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RyanBruner

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #60 on: May 27, 2009, 12:25 PM »
Max Robinson is drowning in guilt.  Yesterday, a forest fire started along the Pacific coastline that's already taken out three hundred homes.  It'll probably be thousands by this weekend, and Max knows he's to blame. Nevermind Max lives a thousand miles away. Nevermind Max has never been to California in his life. After all, it was Smokie the Bear who told him, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires."

And Max knows he's let Smokie down.

Offline elissacruz

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #61 on: May 27, 2009, 01:41 PM »
It was a dark and stormy night...

(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
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Offline G.R.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #62 on: May 27, 2009, 03:51 PM »
:D


As soon as I came home from somewhere that's none of your business, I ran up the stairs to my secret hiding place to do something that I'll never tell YOU about in a million years. I mean, quit sticking your big stupid nose where it doesn't belong, and GET A LIFE. Jeez!


"This is your life and you be what you want to be.
Just don't hurt nobody, 'less of course they ask you."

XTC, "Garden of Earthly Delights" (1989)

Offline Pons

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #63 on: May 27, 2009, 04:29 PM »
He was a dark and stormy knight.   

Offline ello

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #64 on: May 27, 2009, 05:38 PM »
He was a dark and stormy knight.   

AWESOME!!!   :dr :dr :dr
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Offline DianaM

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #65 on: May 27, 2009, 05:39 PM »
Quote
He was a dark and stormy knight.  
 :hahaha

And nice poem, Cpt. Ink. :)

------

It was a long and bumpy flight...
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 05:48 PM by DianaM »
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Offline nickypicky

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #66 on: May 27, 2009, 06:25 PM »
I must apologize in advance. I am so sorry.


"Daddy and I are having some trouble," I remember my Mom telling me before she tucked me into bed, turned on my nightlight, and wound up my music box.  "Trouble in the bedroom."

 :paperbag
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Offline LindaBudz

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #67 on: May 27, 2009, 08:17 PM »

"So then the talent agent says to the dad, 'So, uh, what to do call this ... most unusual ... family act?' And the dad, with a great flourish, says, 'The Aristocrats!'"

My smile faded as my classmates just looked at me, stone-faced and unsmiling. I knew right then that my sense of humor was too sophisticated for these morons. It's gonna be a looooong school year, I thought.


ROTFL!!
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Offline Aimee W.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #68 on: July 20, 2009, 02:43 PM »
I have diarrhea.


HAHAHA! Oddly enough, I'd probably keep reading.
"The mind is everything. What you think, you become." ~Buddha   

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RyanBruner

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #69 on: July 28, 2009, 10:40 AM »
I just LOVE my belly button lint.

Offline msw

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #70 on: July 28, 2009, 01:58 PM »
A terrible stench ripped me away from a dream of hunting zombies, at first I thought the acrid smell of rotting flesh was part of the dream, but once I manage to uncover my head I realized I had only passed gas. 


Offline G.R.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #71 on: July 28, 2009, 05:49 PM »
Quote
I just LOVE my belly button lint.

Good one... :D

Quote
A terrible stench ripped me away from a dream of hunting zombies, at first I thought the acrid smell of rotting flesh was part of the dream, but once I manage to uncover my head I realized I had only passed gas.

:dr


Of all times for my butt to itch, this is probably the worst. A bathroom break would be just the thing right now, but we're in the middle of a stupid essay test. Urgh... rubbing against the chair isn't working -- I need to scratch! But how can I get my hand down in my pants without anybody noticing?

"This is your life and you be what you want to be.
Just don't hurt nobody, 'less of course they ask you."

XTC, "Garden of Earthly Delights" (1989)

Offline Ann Gatti

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #72 on: July 28, 2009, 06:21 PM »
Polly the Pelican ate a fish tart,
Hiccuped & burped as she let out a fart,
Exploded all over the nursery wall -
Her dinner, the minnows, her innards and all.

 :dr :dr :dr Me and my girls would totally keep on reading this!  FYI, they had a laughing fit when I read them this. 

Captain Ink

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #73 on: July 29, 2009, 10:11 AM »
:dr :dr :dr Me and my girls would totally keep on reading this!  FYI, they had a laughing fit when I read them this. 

 :thankyou Hmm, how can I crowbar this into a pirate novel..?  :eh2

Offline C. Lee McKenzie

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #74 on: July 29, 2009, 11:40 AM »
Emma (erk!) didn't know it yet, but she was about to start on an exciting adventure that would take her into exciting places.

That's the worst I can do this morning. Wait until after two o'clock and I'll be able to wow everybody.
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RyanBruner

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #75 on: July 29, 2009, 11:51 AM »
When I was born, I didn't look like my father. Of course, I didn't look like my mother either. I had been genetically poked and prodded, with bits of DNA pulled from here and there, woven together into a singularly unique human being unlike anything my parents could have conceived on their own. 

You might say I looked rather like Jack Nicholson playing that one crazy dude (I'm sure you know the one) mixed with Patti Duke, whoever that is. 

Offline Gatz

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #76 on: October 23, 2009, 09:39 PM »


Couldn't even get past the title of this one--

                                                                  Baby Farm Workers                                                                             






 


Offline AbigailW

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #77 on: October 23, 2009, 11:06 PM »
Once upon a time, there was a little, uh, atom...


These are all too funny!

Offline Stephen

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #78 on: October 24, 2009, 04:40 AM »
You don’t really want to read this book!
  Or
Please read this book I’ll pay you!

ABailey

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #79 on: October 24, 2009, 06:51 AM »
I didn't write this but it was my favorite of the winners for that San Jose University annual whimsical literary competition, where they challenge entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. The contest was inspired by the "It was a dark and stormy night" opening by Edward George Bulwer-Lytton in Paul Clifford (1830).




"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

Offline DianaM

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #80 on: October 24, 2009, 07:54 AM »
 :dr  That's hilarious!
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Offline pengwinz

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #81 on: October 24, 2009, 10:21 AM »
Been a while since I read it, but I think THE KNIFE OF NEVER LETTING GO started:

Poo

Offline Gatz

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #82 on: October 24, 2009, 10:41 AM »


          This is the story of my pet flea Chloe, who lives in Grandma's back hair.

Offline Michael Sussman

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #83 on: October 24, 2009, 11:32 AM »
They call me Six-Fingered Stanley, which probably goes back to the day my brother Gus dared me to jam my hand down the garbage disposal.
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Offline rcpjallen

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #84 on: October 24, 2009, 12:03 PM »
I'm not paranoid.  I don't go to football games because I'm hands down, no questions asked, positively sure every times those guys huddle, they're talking about me.   :grouphug2
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Offline Aimee W.

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #85 on: October 24, 2009, 12:40 PM »
It was a bright and sunny day. Seriously, it was.
"The mind is everything. What you think, you become." ~Buddha   

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Offline Kate Kae

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #86 on: October 24, 2009, 02:38 PM »
Lenore looked into the mirror and sighed.  How could anyone with her shockingly turquoise eyes, perfect skin, thick waves of dark red hair, and almost-too-slender figure EVER hope to get a date to the Vampire Ball?

Ooo--this is my favorite!  I just hate it, but can't put it down...
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RyanBruner

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #87 on: November 03, 2009, 05:58 AM »
That's what's interesting about most of these....when you TRY to right something unpromising, it ends up being a great hook.

I think I'll try that for the next story I write.

Offline ruecole

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #88 on: May 07, 2010, 10:29 AM »
I LOVED so many of these! I think this topic needs to be renamed, because I would seriously want to read many of these stories!



I am a really boring person.  Nothing interesting ever happens to me.[This works if in the next sentence something interesting DOES happen]

Bright red valentine hearts erupted on the diner walls; they looked just like a teenager with a bad case of acne. [Yes, I need to read on to find out why this is happening!]

Lenore looked into the mirror and sighed.  How could anyone with her shockingly turquoise eyes, perfect skin, thick waves of dark red hair, and almost-too-slender figure EVER hope to get a date to the Vampire Ball? [hehe! What it is about Lenore that makes her so undesirable as a date? I have to read on to find out!]

China is famous for Giant Pandas. But I never saw one, because I was at the zoo in St. Louis, which was closed for the season when I got there. [Love this voice! The bait and switch totally works as a hook. I'll read on!]

The day began just like any other. You know that crusty stuff you find in the corners of your eyes and have to dig out when you first wake up...? [Hehe! Make it humour and I'll totally read on!]

Once upon a time there was a gorgeous girl who lived with her perfect, well-adjusted family in a neighborhood with other perfect families. Everyone liked each other. They often swapped cookies and cupcakes and Hallmark greeting cards. The girl had no problems. She had no goals. None of her friends had problems or goals either. Neither did her fabulous, respectful boyfriend. How nice. [This one would work if in the next sentence the narrator somehow turns this on it's head: "And then the Anderson family moved in next door."]

Everybody has bad days. It's part of life. Sometimes you even have three or four of them all at once. But how many people can say they've had  263 bad days in a row? ANyone? Didn't think so. So...I win. 263 days of bloating, puking, hemorrhoids, heartburn, stretch marks and t*ts that look like frikken water balloons. Just so I can become another stupid statistic on some stupid official chart somewhere. "Sixteen year old idiot girl gets knocked up by loser and ruins life." And, according to the control-freak doctor that my Mom makes me go to, I have another 17 days to go and THEN it will ALL be worth it.  Yeah...right. [OMG! I LOVE this voice! I would so continue reading this!]

I'm going to die.  We all are going to die.  It's just, I'm planning on doing it sooner than everyone else.  Like, in ten minutes from now.  I don't care if you think it's a sin or immoral or just plain selfish.  I don't want to be alive anymore, and so I'm just gonna end it all.  Nothing spectacular.  No drug overdoses or slit wrists.  So overdone.  No going off on all my friends and family or my school.  I'm not in it for attention.  I mean, I'll be dead, so what do I care if you notice me or not?  It isn't like anyone noticed me before.  Nope.  I'm going to die, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me.  Then again, maybe I won't kill myself after all. [Make this humour and this totally works! Especially if you give the character something really funny to live for.]

The thing is, they make recycling sound so glamorous on the Disney Channel, but in real life? Well, let me just tell you the top 100 things you find at the bottom of discarded glass jars. [hahaha! I'm guessing this MC is doing volunteer work at the recycling centre and hating it? Again, keep up with the funny voice and this totally works!]

Grounded. For the entire summer. Stuck in my bedroom. Bored, bored, bored. No friends, no phone, no Internet, no TV. Maybe I should start a diary to relieve boredom. Too bad I’m not particularly bright, funny or insightful.
Day 1
Ate cheese doodles. Wiped orange powder on my jeans. Looked at the ceiling. Repeat.
Day 2
Ate Doritos. Wiped reddish orange powder on my jeans. Looked at the scale. I’ve gained a pound. Repeat.[Provided something exciting happens after this, this opening works too.]

Of all times for my butt to itch, this is probably the worst. A bathroom break would be just the thing right now, but we're in the middle of a stupid essay test. Urgh... rubbing against the chair isn't working -- I need to scratch! But how can I get my hand down in my pants without anybody noticing? [My boys would read this! They are totally into any kind of toilet humour!]

You don’t really want to read this book! [Yep, this hooks me all right! Now tell me why and make it funny!]

It was a bright and sunny day. Seriously, it was. [Again, make it funny and I'll read it!]

The really bad openings in this thread, IMVHO, are the overly descriptive ones that blather on about nothing. The shorter punchier ones, even when they're trying to seem boring , totally capture my attention.

Rue
WIP: ETBs 10687/35000 (30.5%)
WIP: IWWP 12045/35000 (34.4%)

Offline Jaina

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Re: Most Unpromising Opening?
« Reply #89 on: May 07, 2010, 04:20 PM »
"0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144 . . . " began my Math teacher.