[marica-bernstein Posts: 52 Status: Offline WWW]

Not sure if this is the right place to post. I'm not looking for a full on critique. I'd just like to know if what I'm doing sounds reasonable.

Set up. The animals find an injured black-necked stilt (long legged shore bird) and help it get to the farm for help. When you listen to audio of these birds chattering away, they say, KIP KIP KIP and for real it's SUU SUU SUU and you can convince yourself that it's really SUu, i.e., descending accent. (Also. I don't do this so pardon me for not using the correct terms!)

What I'm asking (below) is about my plan for the overall pattern in a chapter. But to give you an idea of how the story/dialog goes, here are just a few lines:
~~
Marica and Missy ran to meet them. Marica knelt down in front of Rocky and the bird and said, “Well, hello! Who might you be?”

“Kip-kip-kip. Kip-kip-kip,” said the bird. “I am Lawyer. I am Lawyer. I was lost. I was lost. Now I’m found. Now I’m found. Please help. Please help. Kip-kip-kip. Kip-kip-kip.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Marica looked into the bird’s red eyes and smiled. “What happened to your other leg, Lawyer?”

Lawyer wrapped his right wing more tightly around Rocky’s back, leaned more heavily against the vicious pit bull, and slowly pulled a leg out from under his feathers. “Kip-kip-kip. Here it is. Here it is. It is broke. It is broke. Please help. Please help. Kip-kip-kip,” Lawyer said looking at his dangling leg.

Marica, Missy, and everyone gathered ’round and gasped! A one-pink-legged bird was one thing. A one-pink-legged, and one-pink-dangling-legged bird was quite another.

“Let’s get you to the patio so we can take a closer look,” Marica said. “Is it okay if I carry you, Lawyer?”

“Yes it is. Yes it is. Pick me up. Pick me up. Thank you. Thank you,” Lawyer said and spread both wings.
~~

(Yes. I know "Lawyer" has to be slurred! But he has to be Lawyer b/c that's an old name for black-neck stilts.)

So here is how Lawyer's dialog goes through to the end of the chapter (where K is "kip"):

KKK. KKK. SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU. KKK. KKK.
KKK. SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU. KKK.
SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU.
SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU.
SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU.
SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU.
SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU.
SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU.
KKK. SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU. KKK.
KKK. KKK. SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SUU SUU. SU SU. KKK. KKK.

In subsequent chapters, he's just going to talk in the shorter pattern. But I felt like in this chapter where he's the star of the show, I should back out of the pattern in the same way I went into it. Does that make sense?

[Debbie Vilardi Posts: 7,004 Status: Offline Language is so cool! WWW]

Hi Marica. I'm confused by what you have. Make sure each new speaker gets a new paragraph. Also, does the bird speak in English and it's own language or is this how the children perceive it's speech? Like they imagine what he says? If they speak English, cut the bird sounds or use them minimally for flavor. If they speak bird, how do the kids know what to say in response? Make it clear.

I'm just realizing this is two birds, Lawyer and Rocky.  Proper paragraphing will clear that up. I hope this helps.

[David Wright Posts: 1,015 Status: Offline Tell me that again.]

Okay, I get it. The bird's responses match the syllable pattern you're showing.

But I don't understand why. Does a real stilt's call match the same long pattern?

Either way, your bigger concern is how well a reader might embrace this. So 1) Would they recognize the structure? 2) Would they care? and 3) would the constant repetition grate?

Or put another way, does it make your story  better, or is it an ego-centric effort (I don't mean this in a selfish way, but in a "I'm showing I can do it" way)?

Sorry, but I'm an impatient reader and would start skipping dialogue from the bird quickly. Because following the general rule of "make every word count" following that pattern adds text that fails to move the story forward.