Thought I'd share my latest logline draft, critique, and my revision to give everyone and one idea of how this works. My critiquer asked questions, but you can also make comments. My draft is crafted using the Save the Cat model and I also included the Kate Messner model. This example isn't perfect--it's just an example.
Draft Log line: Before fiery-tempered Kenna can master magic skills needed to rejoin her parents, she must overcome her fears and control her emotions. Through her carelessness, she endangers her cousin and her dragon, so she must dig deep to find her inner strength that will force her to suspend her pursuit of reuniting with parents in order to save her friends.
Comments from critiquer: Doesn’t she have to master them whether or not she reunites? Is it really that her lack of mastery is keeping them apart?
Rewrite:
Fiery-tempered Kenna must learn to overcome her fears and control her emotions in order to master her innate magic skills before reuniting with her parents. When she carelessly endangers her cousin and dragon, she needs to dig deep to place their safety ahead of her own dreams.
My Kate Messner logline:
Dragon Stones is about how Kenna learns magic skills so she can save her dragon and family, but underneath, it’s really about Kenna accepting herself.
Thanks,
Judith