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In-law Woes

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I'm back again.
Stepfather's 80th coming up shortly and I've come to accept that he's a pig-headed  :ranting so I didn't even ask if John could come to the party. Despite spending almost a quarter of a century with John, he will never be accepted. That's a gimme.
But then there's Christmas. John discussed this with his mother, since it is the first one without her husband. She has said that John is more than welcome, but not me.
I did hear John on the phone when in the cafe and just said "No". We discussed it at length previously and he's said that he wants to support his mother, but this is too much.
How would you approach it? It's the first one without her husband, but this is just stomping over our relationship.
I'm just curious what you think. Our parents have the bain of our relationship since neither will be accepting of either of us.
#1 - November 16, 2018, 05:19 AM

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I'm so sorry. Once two people join their lives together, that *is* the primary relationship. If the parents don't accept it, it is their problem. I also get wanting to support your parents through difficult times but not at the cost of hurting my spouse.  The holidays are hard on people. Hugs.
#2 - November 16, 2018, 05:39 AM
« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 03:45 PM by Vijaya »
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I personally feel as V does -- your partner is your immediate family. Your parents are now part of your extended family. Yes, support is important but not at the risk of hurting your partner. Would John's mom be open to him spending time with her before or after the holiday in lieu of the actual day?
#3 - November 16, 2018, 06:03 AM
Robin
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Andracill: No. Plain & simple. Twice she's accused me as being the reason for John losing his job (something I cannot possibly be responsible for). If it were financially viable I would suggest leaving the city, just to get away from our parents.
It's difficult because now his mother is a widow it's exactly how I feared. And now my stepfathers own children have refused to travel to his own 80th birthday party. It's a ridiculous situation at our age but with no money we're stuck.
The only reason we're being evicted is because the landlord knows there are new regulations in place where the rental scheme will assess the property & because there is no fire escape it will fail.
To return to the original question: that's what we used to do-travel to the parents on Christmas Eve then have dinner at home. With the death of John's father I can't see her wanting to be alone.
#4 - November 16, 2018, 08:24 AM

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Stop worrying about John's mother.  She could have both you and John with her at Christmas if she would just open her heart--but she won't. So you and John can celebrate with each other, as you should.
#5 - November 16, 2018, 08:25 AM

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Wait a minute, you're being evicted? Do you need to find a new home? In an ideal world, you and John could move in with his mom. Fiona, you and John stick together. I'm sorry the parents are being so unreasonable. It is their loss. :flowers2
#6 - November 16, 2018, 02:21 PM
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Ah, Fiona, I'm sorry things are so rough right now. :( Definitely find a way to stick together with John -- you can comfort each other!
#7 - November 16, 2018, 02:25 PM
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Parents are people too and sometimes they still have a lot to learn. If you had a place, I'd invite them both to come to you. It sounds like they have a lot in common. (Okay, so that was snark. Not serious at all.) They want you to feel guilty. You do not have to do so. And even if you feel guilty, you don't have to give in to it. Do what is right for you together.

Good luck finding a new home.
#8 - November 16, 2018, 08:07 PM
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When family is supportive, it's a wonderful relationship. 

However, not every family is. 

Sometimes you have to separate yourself for your own well-being. 

My parents had to do this with my father's mom and siblings when I was a kid.  It was a little sad growing up without a relationship with my Grandmother, but it was too stressful to be around her.  Most of my memories of her are of fights.  Very little of normal, positive things.  Detaching ourselves from her was the best decision. 

You don't have to move to another city to disassociate yourselves (we didn't) but I understand how that would make it easier to avoid them. 

I don't know your financial situation, but if you really were considering moving to another city, state, or country, you are at convenient loose ends now (with your home and one employer) to do it if you wanted to.   

I wish you both the best of luck! 
#9 - November 17, 2018, 12:47 PM
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